Meaning Words (4/26/09)

Last night I went to a Jars of Clay concert with a friend and being there with her listening to this band that’s been around now for close to 15 years made me think of a few of their songs that remind me of seeking God, as well as one of my own poems:

Don’t Stop
You told them that I hung the moon
It was a lonely sliver hanging from the sky
I said I put it there for you
I didn’t think that it would make you cry

Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now
Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now

My recurring dream of you
Starlight in your eyes and music everywhere
I am dancing close to you
There are no days or nights we’ve left behind

Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now
Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now
When you’re running, you’re running far away
And you don’t know what to do with all my love
Don’t stop for me now

Why is it so hard to say that you need me
The way that I need you

There are no days, there are no nights, we’ve left them all behind
And you can run so far that I won’t reach
There are no places I won’t find you

Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now
Don’t stop, don’t stop for me now
You keep running, yeah you’re running far away
When all I want to do is be with you my love
You can run so far, run so far, my love
By the light of the moon I will get to you somehow
So don’t stop for me now

-Jars of Clay, “Long Fall Back to Earth”

Heart
I let it get dark, so you'll see the stars
They'll say we're in love, we probably are
No mountains to climb, papers to sign
Offer your heart, I've given you mine

One flag left to burn, one country to fall
One soul to pour out, one love to catch all
No walls to defend, wars to align
Give me your heart, you already have mine
No mountains to climb, papers to sign
Offer your heart, I've given you mine

No mountains to climb, papers to sign
Offer your heart, I've given you mine
No walls to defend, wars to align
Give me your heart, you already have mine
Give me your heart, you already have mine
Offer your heart, I've given you mine

-Jars of Clay, “Long Back Fall to Earth

Worlds Apart
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

[Additional lyrics:]

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

-Jars of Clay, “Jars of Clay”

Into the Woods
I saw you when you ran into the woods,
For I was there with you,
I was the One you were running away from,
Yet I was the One you were running to,
Which was I to you?
Which were you to Me?

How I long for you to cling to Me as you used to,
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To share your thoughts and know your mind,
Yet you have drifted far away and are ever still running,
Farther and farther you roam,
It seems almost as if you are at home,
There in the wilderness,
Off in the distance.

Come home to Me, My love,
The journey is really not that long,
If you would but turn around,
Lift up your eyes and see,
There you would find me,
My gentle hands will wipe away your every tear,
The blood from My wounds will cleanse your every sin.

Cleansing and reaching ever deeper within,
Bring your broken hearts and shattered dreams
Lay them at My nail-pierced feet
For when you cried, I cried with you,
When you ran, I was there at your side,
When you hid there in the dark,
I was there as well.

I am with you always,
Not as a presence to be feared
But as One who knows you through and through,
One who has seen you at your worst and at your best
I know you, I love you, and I am for you.

-Michel Jon Willard

As I reflect back over the past months, years and all that God has brought me through and has taught me, I find myself humbled and thankful for Him and His continuing work in and through my life. Even more, I find myself grateful for each of you and the impact that you have made in me and that God has made in my life through you. The words of Paul in his letter to the church in Philippi once again come to mind concerning each of you: “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:3-6).

Sharing My Life (4/26/09): Seeking God

As one might imagine, I did find getting faced with rejections on two fronts a bit discouraging. However, in the midst of it, I also came to realize something different about the way I was seeking to follow God. Back in High School when I first came to know Christ, I remember praying constantly to know the will of God, so I could live my life accordingly. Certainly not a bad prayer, but looking back on it, I realize that I was thinking in terms of specifics like: Which college did God want me to go to? Which major would best prepare me for the life He had set out before me? Which friends would best support and encourage me in my continuing walk with God? All good questions, yet over the years, as I have walked with God, read through scripture, and prayerfully sought to apply it in my life, I have come to see that living according to God’s will is more about a way of life and less about the specific tasks and plans I make while living it.

Let me illustrate this a bit more by looking at one of the classic passages I was presented win in terms of seeking after God’s will. In the Old Testament, Micah, one of the Minor Prophets writes:

“He has showed you, O man, what is good.

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

What does Micah say God requires of us? Is it a particular job or the right mate or the right college, or even the right church? Interestingly enough, the passage has nothing to say about those specifics. It’s almost like Micah is saying God is more concerned about the particulars of how you are walking with Him regardless of what job you have, who you marry, where you graduate from or even where you worship Him. The question is not how are you seeking God’s will for your life, but how are you seeking God?

Life Update (4/26/09): Following Leads

Towards the middle of March I really began to realize that over the past few years God has invested a lot in me through the experiences He has lead me through and the many things He has shown and taught me through those experiences. As such, I began to feel a desire to invest that experience and knowledge in others. Round that same time, two opportunities came my way to serve and put my experience and knowledge to work.

First, my church, the Church of the Open Door, is starting a new kind of youth program this coming Fall. They want to set up every youth from grades 7 through 12 with a Mentor and set those Mentors up with Mentor Coordinators to support them. It turned out I was too old to be a Mentor for them, but I did fit the criteria for being a Mentor Coordinator. So, I applied and was interviewed. Unfortunately, though they thought I was well qualified and worthy of such a position, they had more applicants than positions, so I did not get chosen.

At the same time, a second opportunity came my way, when my folks encouraged me to pursue further studies and I applied for Bethel’s Marriage and Family Therapy Post-Graduate Certificate Program. I did get chose to take part in the Group Interview, but my application for admission was denied.

Currently, I am working at finding ways to invest in the clients that I am working with in ways that are appropriate to their needs and my working relationship with them. I am also seeking ways to become more active in my church and recovery community. We will see what happens.

Meaningful Words (3/7/09)

I guess the real question is, can I be thankful for “Minnesota Nice”? In pondering this, I find myself thankful for the people in my life that call Minnesota their home. However, sometimes I wish they could understand that I really don’t need them to be so “nice” to me. I work to be gracious when I am confronted with my own mistakes and defects and hope that they learn from my example. It does hurt when people don’t think well of me or when I have to face the consequences of my own mistakes, yet it hurts even more when I find that the people who have a problem with me can’t bring themselves to say so to my face. Truly, I don’t bite ;-) After all, Jesus once said, “If your brother sins against you,a go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17).” That is the model for how we should work with others.

Here are two poems that I have found helpful in learning to be thankful in my relations with people and one poem of my own

Take Time
Take time to think...
it is the source of power.

Take time to play...
it is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to pray...
it is the greatest power on earth.

Take time to love and be loved...
it is a God-given privilege.

Take time to be friendly...
it is the road to happiness.

Take time to laugh...
it is the music of the soul.

Take time to give...
it is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to work...
it is the price of success.

Take time to do charity...
it is the key to heaven.

Author Unknown

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


Let Go
The Father:
I invite you, My child, to let go.
Let go of your need to worry,
for it really does you no good.
Let go of your need to control,
for you really have none.
Let go of your need for a plan,
for I am all you really ever need!

I invite you, My child, to let Me in.
Let Me into your concerns,
for I can bear your load.
Let Me into your life,
for I do know what I am doing.
Let Me into your heart,
for I am the One you were created for.

I invite you, My child,
to know the truth.
Know that I care for you and I will see to your needs.
Know that I am taking care of them even now.
Know that I am Your Faithful Father.

His Child:
Lord, help me to trust when I don’t want to trust
Lord, help me to love when I don’t want to love
Lord, help to give, when I don’t want to give
To give my life to You.

For you, Oh Lord, are the Lover of my soul
Yes, You, Oh Lord, are faithful.
Yes, You, Oh Lord, will watch over me
And care for me better than I ever could.

As I close out this letter, I do find myself extremely grateful for each of you and all of the people God has place in my life over the years. I know that God has shown me so much in my relationships with each of you and I pray He has blessed you through them as well.

Sharing My Life (3/7/09): Entitlement

Living in Maple Grove and working with clients who live in and around the Twin Cities area often means that I’ve got a bit of a commute in the morning. Often, as I’m driving in, I listen to talk radio to hear the news of the day. When I listen to people’s reaction to our times, I hear a lot of entitlement. People see injustice all around and look to the government or others to fix the problems, even when they themselves may be the real cause of the problems in their lives. We so often find it easier to look outside than within.

One of the biggest changes I have noticed in my life since beginning to work a recovery program has been the sharp decrease in my sense of entitlement. I used to get mad at my teachers for giving me so much work, mad at my supervisors for expecting so much of me, mad at my friends for not being there when I needed them, the list goes on. I was even mad at God, sometimes for being so elusive about His will for my life. Yet over the past few years, I have found myself learning to trade entitlement for gratefulness. Now I am beginning to see the work people give me, the expectations they may have of me, and the presence of my friends in my life and things to be so thankful for. God has indeed blessed me richly over the years, and to me, feeling entitled to it, robs it of it’s true work. As James, the brother of Christ, writes,” Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17).

Life Update (3/7/09): "Minnesota Nice"?

I have lived in Minnesota now for a little over eight years and still find this trait of people here a bit frustrating. When I was living on the East Coast, in New Jersey and Massachusetts, I got used to people being pretty straight-forward with me, yet here it’s different. Many times I encounter people who are nice enough at first, but I later find out they could actually care less. This is most frustrating in the work environment. I will have clients who are very cordial and friendly with me, yet constantly critique my work to my supervisors. A few of my friends are sometimes like this, but I’m learning to confront this in my clients, supervisors and friends by learning to be consistently honest. If I have a problem with them, I am working to take it up with them, instead of letting it stew in my subconscious. If I make a mistake, I own up to it as soon as I become aware of it, instead of waiting for others to point it out. I can’t change the way others are, but I can work on changing myself through submitting to God’s work in my life and hope that they see this and desire for Him to work in their lives as well.

Meaningful Words (1/31/09): The Cross

As I think about the many investments I am making in my life on God’s behalf, I find myself reminded of Jesus Christ’s death for us on the cross. That was certainly the most costly investment God has ever made in us, His children.

This Cross

I wear this cross around my neck to remind me

To remind me that I am no longer my own

To remind me that I have been bought with a price

To remind me that 2,000 years ago He died in my place

He took the blame that should have been mine

He took the pain that should have been mine

Every bad thought that goes through my head

Every terrible deed that I take part in

Every sin that I commit

Was summed up in those six hours He spent dying on this cross.

This cross reminds me that I have a Savior

No longer must I go it alone

This cross reminds me that I have a Father

No longer must I be a prodigal son

This cross reminds me that I have a family

No longer am I the only one

This cross reminds me of a Man who cared.

He cared for the homeless

He cared for the lonely

He cared for the brokenhearted

He cared for those without a heart

He cared for those society tears apart

He cared for sinners like you and me

He cared for everyone that we do and do not see.

He cared and He still cares

This cross stands for grace

Of greater worth than any gold

This cross stands for mercy

Enough to cover the greatest of sinners a hundred times over

This cross stands for strength

His made perfect in our weakness

This cross stands for power

An immeasurable amount to awesome to even comprehend

This cross stands for love

Unlike any ever imagined or seen

This cross stands for compassion

To receive back a wayward soul that cost Him His own life.

This cross stands for Jesus, my Savior and my Lord!

Nothing?

My children, I came to live with you.

I gave up My crown and throne to come be with you.

For 33 years I spoke truth and taught My ways.

Though I spoke the truth with love . . .

Still you heard what you wanted.

I spoke of love and grace,

You hear works and striving.

Does it mean nothing to you?

My children, I died for you.

For a long way I carried your sin.

I wore the crown of suffering.

You nailed Me to your cross.

For six hours I hung there praying for you.

I prayed for God to take My life.

To take it as payment for your debts.

I breathed My last in love.

Does it mean nothing?

My children, I stand before you.

My hands outstretched in love.

Look, see My hands and My feet.

The wounds that speak of sacrifice.

These wounds shed blood mixed with tears.

My children, I love you!

Does it mean nothing?

My children, you say it means everything.

You stand and sing My praises.

You claim My cross for your cause.

Yet your actions glorify Me not.

Your lips speak My Word.

Yet your heart plays a different chord.

Does it mean nothing?

Does it mean nothing to you?

DOES IT MEAN NOTHING?

DOES IT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

You Desire?

The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. 30 He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”

-Acts 16:29-31

Just believe and you will be saved.

Yet even the demons believe in Christ and they certainly will not be saved

So what is it that You require?

What is it that you desire?

A heart undivided full of fire?

Will that be enough to inspire?

No, my spirit says, You want more

More than a life filled with good works

More than all the money I can earn

More than my first born son

So much more than I can ever give

And yet the answer is simple

You do not want my heart

You do not want my works

You do not want my family

All you really want is me

All of me

This time I feel once again moved to end this letter with a prayer from scripture. It is the prayer that Paul prayer over the church in Ephesus and it speaks of his desire for them to experience God’s love for them. God’s love for each of us is His continuing investment in us. It is shown in His Spirit’s work in and through us among other ways. “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole familya in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:14-21)

Sharing My Life (1/31/09): Investing

In light of the recent developments in our nation’s and even world’s economy, I have been reflecting and praying a lot about my investments. Not my financial ones as much as the other things I am investing in, such as people, organizations, churches and the like. What in my life am I spending time, money and energy in? What am I gaining back in return? Are there things in my life that it is not healthy for me to continue investing my time, energy and money into? Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about:

When I first moved to Maple Grove back in August I continued attending same church I had been and helping out with the same ministries that I had been when I lived down in Minneapolis and Saint Paul, while also attending church and helping out here in Maple Grove. This worked for a little while, but after a few months, I began to feel the strain of trying to worship and minister in two places at once. While I could continue to divide my spiritual energies in two, I felt God calling me to pick one and commit to it. That is why a couple months ago, I stopped heading down to Saint Paul to attend and help out with Evensong and started investing more of my time, money and energy into joining in with God’s work at Church of the Open Door. It’s not that Evensong was an unhealthy place for me to be. They are a wonderful church and I am so thankful for all God did in and through me among the people there. Yet, now I was feeling Him inviting me to be fully a part of what He is doing at Open Door.

There are a number of other areas in my life that I’m also looking at in this fashion. Maybe there are areas in your life where your money, energy and time are being spent in unhealthy ways? Maybe there are people, organizations, ministries or other things that God may be inviting you to invest more in then you currently are? Maybe God’s asking you to invest less in some things, so you can invest more in others? Whatever invitation you may be sensing, I pray you answer it, even if doing so may be painful or costly. A preacher once told me that how we are managing our finances is a good indicator of how we managing our spiritual lives. I think I would nuance that a bit to say that God has given each of us resources of a spiritual, financial, emotional, and social quality and He is calling each and every one of His children to invest and invest wisely.

Life Update (1/31/09): New Year

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already the end of the first month of the New Year. So much has happened, yet so much remains the same. I’m still living in Maple Grove, MN. I’m still working as an Independent Living Skills (ILS) Worker for Accessible Space, Inc. My company is helping me to get closer to fuller time by giving me more clients, even as some of the caseworkers of my clients are asking me to consolidate my hours with them. Accessible Space has also finally given me business cards and a pager, which says even more that they are planning on keeping me around. That’s good news, especially in this economy.

I am also becoming more active at the Church of the Open Door here in Maple Grove, MN. About a month ago I took their First Step class that is offered to those who wish to know more about the church. This past month, I led a couple sessions for their Singles Ministry. I taught on Hearing from God and got a very warm and encouraging response from that group.

Meaningful Words (12/7/08)

As I think about waiting within God’s ever-present love, peace and grace, the following poems come to mind,

There is a White

There is a white for this black of ours.

It will show itself in its hour,

But we who hold it in our hearts,

No ray of dark can penetrate our parts.

But what of this light?

What use is it, if it cannot shine bright!

Too often we turn away its source.

We take out our swords,

Made by the hand of Satan,

And slash it into oblivion.

But this light cannot die.

It cannot be swept away.

There are those who have claimed it

And the light lives on in them.

The light has a place in all of our hearts.

Every single one must play its part.

Through them this world will change.

Through them it will exchange

Its darkness for the EVERLASTING LIGHT!

A-men

Be Still

“Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

-Psalm 46:10

Be still, My child and know that you are loved.

Endless, limitless, eternal love is yours.

My Son paid the price and you are free to come.

Come and know Me

Come and know that you are loved.

Come with no expectations, for they will all be blown away.

Come with no preparations, the price has already been paid

Come with no restrictions for they are only self-imposed

Come desiring nothing, knowing you will receive all that is of true worth.

I am the One Who has loved you since before time began

As you were formed within your mother’s womb

I knew you and called you My chosen one

You are My child and I love you.

Immanuel

Son of God, Immanuel

Tonight You came with us to dwell

You came to show us how to live

You came to us eternal life to give

Child of the King, You came from above

To teach us the true meaning of love

Took on our flesh, took on our sin

Our earthly burden, You took within

By Your hands, our wounds were healed

With Your blood our hearts are sealed

Teach us this day

To walk in Your way

Almighty Father, watch over us

Protect us from our darkness

Holy Spirit, Who dwells within

Keep us this day from all sin

Jesus, Redeemer, Lover, and Friend

To us Your embrace now extend

As we gather with our family

As we gather with our friends

Your love guides our hearts, as we amble blindly

While we hold hands, Your grace descends

And for those of us, who spend this season alone

As our spirits within us groan

Remind us, I pray, that You are always there.

Remind us, O Lord, that You always care.

The road we walk is treacherous

But You O Lord are ever with us

Give us this day our daily bread

Watch over us as we go to bed.

As I close this letter, I ask each of you to pray for each other and me as I pray for you. Pray that we will remember God’s loving presence in and with us always. Pray that we will remember to lean on Him at all times, not just when we find ourselves worn out and exalted. Pray that we will reach out with God’s love and power to all those around us who need to know of His presence with them so much, especially during this holiday season.

Sharing My Life (12/7/08): Never Alone

Another really encouraging thing God has been teaching me lately is that we are never really alone. Jesus’ last words to His disciples were, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b). God was, is and will always be with us. His love, peace and grace are always available to us. The problem is that we are often too preoccupied with our own attachments to notice His presence with us.

Yet there is more to this. One of the most powerful ways I have experienced God’s presence with me is through His people. When we receive God’s Holy Spirit within us, we are receiving His Presence within us. When we reach out in love, God is reaching out in love in and with us. When God calls us to serve Him, He gives us the power to do whatever He calls us to. I don’t know about you, but I have often found myself way over my head in my life with God. Does this mean I have left His will? No, I have found there are many times where God calls us specifically into situations He knows are beyond us because He wants us to learn to depend on Him. God never meant us to try and live this life on our own. We were always meant to find and live life within our relationship with Him.

This also means that God is with us even in the midst of our struggling and suffering. Whether the situation we find ourselves in is of our own making or the result of outside forces does not change the fact that God is still with us. Though, admittedly there are times when we may not want to acknowledge His presence. As ministers of God’s love, peace and grace, this also means that we are called to minister to all people, no matter who they are or what they’ve done. Regardless of how I may feel about a certain person or situation, God is still calling me to reach out in love. In that way, God can be present to that person and within that situation in and through us. I believe it is God’s hope and dream that not only will all His children realize His love for them, but that they will see and feel it through the loving presence of His people among them. God is calling and empowering us to be His ministers of love throughout the world. The question is will we hear Him.

Life Update (12/7/08): Waiting

Throughout this past month I have been prayerfully seeking God’s will for my life and as I have listened, the message I continually get back is “Stay where you are and wait.” What I believe that means is that God desires me to stay in Minnesota, working with Accessible Space, Inc. and that He still has work to do in and through me here. As one might imagine, I find this word both encouraging and disappointing. While it is encouraging to know that God is working in and through my life in my current context of being an Independent Living Skills (ILS) Worker, at times I find myself yearning for more.

Yet, even in this time of waiting and preparation, I know I am still exactly where God needs me to be at this point in time. This enables me to enjoy His work in and through me in the present, and learn to live at His pace. One of the lessons God is continuing to teach me is that life in Him is not found in looking back and lamenting about what could have been or in looking forward and dreaming about what could be in the future. God is right here with me, right now and He longs for me to be with him right here in this present moment.

Meaningful Words (11/3/08)

In seeking to God’s vision and joy for my life, I have found the following poems helpful:

Lies & Truth

I'm feeling kinda vulnerable tonight

My mixed up emotions are bubbling through

What I know as truth seems so boring

And deception seems so exciting

Though I know the difference between them

Chorus:

Lord, will You be my strength?

When I don’t want to be strong?

Will You carry me along

When it all seems so far gone

Lord, will you help me fight

When it feels like the battle’s already been lost

To lie is sin and sin is death

In truth is life or so I’ve been told

Yet the lie looks so attractive

And the truth just seems so covered with dust

For a lie can look like the truth

Just as a wolf can don sheep’s clothing

But in truth it’s still a lie

Despite it’s appearance otherwise.

Yes, this must be a wolf in sheep’s clothing

And my resistance is low

Chorus

I know my emotions can fool me

But, man, what I feel seems so real

You say tomorrow will be different

Yet today still has so much left to live

The devil he is so clever

And I am so naïve

Chorus

And it all comes down to choice

Will I choose to live or die

Will I choose to believe the lie

Or embrace the truth that is Christ

To stand strong in His might

And know He is on my side

This, at least, I know is true

God is real and He cares for me.

Pharisee

Sometimes I feel like a modern-day Pharisee

My outside is all nice and shiny

But inside I’m greasy, grimy

They tell me I’m great, they tell me I’m wonderful

If only they knew the truth, they’d tell me that I’m really full

But I keep it all inside

There in the darkness is where I hide

There where no one else dares abide

Yet into my life You come, O Lord

You, to whom, all my life is as an open door

Away you brush the thin layers of my outer mask

For even the thickest of walls, for You, would not be much of a task.

Deeper and deeper you delve within

Past all the muck, past all the sin

You wash it all clean with Your water of life

Freeing me from all my hate and strife

Born Cracked

Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled

The world she offers many things to fill it

Yet I always come back wanting more

Each thing feels right at first

But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted

Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone

You pursue us day and night yet still we run

Unable to turn, unable to be filled

Until by grace You extend the hand

And turn us around in Your Embrace

The cross makes this possible

The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel

His Blood seals the crack

In Him we are filled

In Him we are loved

In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me

Though I have soaked in the blood

Still my vessel leaks

Many are the times I know not filling

Many are the times I know not love

Many are the times I know not acceptance

Why is this the case?

Dear God, extend Your Hand

Dear God, send down Your Grace

Turn me around full in Your Embrace

It also occurs to me that tomorrow is Election Day and this has been quite a tumultuous and divisive campaigning time. As my prayer for unity among the saints, let me share one more poem with you. This one is based on an old hymn:

We Are One

For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

-Galatians 3:27-28

We are one in the Spirit; we are one in the Lord

We are one in the Spirit; we are one in the Lord

And we pray that our unity would one day be restored

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

We, Your children, have suffered injustice

We, Your children look to you for justice

Yet when we look deeper we find ourselves perplexed

For we see within ourselves the perpetrator of this affront

You created each of us unique

And we have tried to be all the same

You made us black, white, red, yellow

And we have tried to be gray

We have denied the very nature of our being as the image of God

And embraced our sinful dust essence.

You created all of us equal

And we have made inequality the rule.

Forgive us, O Lord

We have sinned against You and against each other.

Enable us to forgive each other.

Unify us by the power of the blood of Your Son

May we be servants of Thy peace,

Sowing unity where there is division,

Sowing reconciliation where there is racism

Sowing love where there is hatred

We repent, Abba.

Have mercy on us.

Transform our hearts.

Make us the people You desire us to be

And may we be one in You.

We are one in the Spirit; we are one in the Lord

We are one in the Spirit; we are one in the Lord

And we pray that our unity would one day be restored

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love.

All praise to the Father from Whom all things come,

And all praise to the Spirit Who makes us one,

And all praise to Christ Jesus His only Son,

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love

Sharing My Life (11/3/08): Seeking Joy

Yesterday I was reading in Ecclesiastes 9 and came to verse 7 which reads, “Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do.” This reminded me of how often I approach my life with God thinking of what I should and shouldn’t do instead of hearing what He is inviting me into. Jesus called his disciples into the abundant life (John 10:10) and that is the same life He is inviting us into today. God does not ask my obedience because He needs it or will punish me if I misbehave. He asks it because in following His way I am living life the way I was meant to. True joy is found not in having the most money, power or love, but in living fully the life God is calling me to. This is the joy I am seeking and trying to envision what it means to pursue. Your prayers continued to be appreciated.

Life Update (11/3/08): Seeking Vision

Wow, has it really already been three months since last I wrote you all? So much has happened in that time. The most major event was my folks month long visit with me. They came to see me and to also support me in my continued journey of recovery. Through working with each other and my counselor, we came to a much deeper understanding of each other and how we could help each other continue to develop.

In addition, my job has become a lot more demanding as of late. I have about ten clients these days with increasingly complex issues to work with. Try as I do to work with them to accomplish all that needs to get done, the stress is beginning to get to me. It doesn’t help that in most cases, my clients choose to talk to my supervisors about their problems, instead of me. Fortunately, my supervisors understand that I am doing my best and am continuing to learn how to work with each of my clients according to their needs and abilities. At times I wonder if this job really is a good fit for me.

Part of my recovery journey these days has been to try and envision what it means to live a healthy life in Christ and prayerfully talk with others and God about how I can enter into that kind of life. One part of that which I really struggle with is finding a job and career I can really feel fulfilled and utilized in. I would like to be in a position which uses most of my gifts and abilities and one in which I can really make an impact in people’s lives. Though I do feel this at times in my current position, there are also times when I prayerfully ask God, “ Is this what You would have me do, really?”

Meaningful Words (9/4/08)

My recent experience with God was all about His love and acceptance of me, so this afternoon, I find myself drawn to poems that speak that same message:

Be Still
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

Be still, My child and know that you are loved.
Endless, limitless, eternal love is yours.
My Son paid the price and you are free to come.

Come and know Me
Come and know that you are loved.
Come with no expectations, for they will all be blown away.
Come with no preparations, the price has already been paid
Come with no restrictions for they are only self-imposed
Come desiring nothing, knowing you will receive all that is of true worth.

I am the One Who has loved you since before time began
As you were formed within your mother’s womb
I knew you and called you My chosen one
You are My child and I love you.



Forgiven
The Father:
I have already forgiven your sin.
Why do you bring it before Me again?

I have already washed you clean.
Why do you insist on playing in the dirt?

Accept My forgiveness.
Receive My cleansing.

Why do you cling to that which I have already released you from?
Why do you remain in the dungeon?
The chains have already been broken and the key thrown away.

The gates of iron have been flung wide open
And yet still you cower in this cage of your own making

The light has been shown forth
Yet you prefer the darkness

What more can I do for you, My child?

How else can I bid you come?
The table has already been set and the dinner bell is ringing
Is it possible you have not heard Me calling?

Answer Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
I am your Father and have always been faithful.
Is this not the truth?
Listen to your heart, My child.
You know Who I am.
You have always known.

His Child:
Come unto me, O Desire of my heart!
Beckon me unto Your Feast, O Satisfier of my deepest hunger!
Dance with Me, O Romancer of my soul!
Set me beside the still waters, O Author of my peace!
Run with me, O my Ever True Companion
Guide my steps, O Victorious Winner of the race set before me!

You Who began this good work in me,
You are my Faithful Father
And You will finish what You have started!
Yes, You will finish what you have started!

Into the Woods
I saw you when you ran into the woods,
For I was there with you,
I was the One you were running away from,
Yet I was the One you were running to,
Which was I to you?
Which were you to Me?

How I long for you to cling to Me as you used to,
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To share your thoughts and know your mind,
Yet you have drifted far away and are ever still running,
Farther and farther you roam,
It seems almost as if you are at home,
There in the wilderness,
Off in the distance.

Come home to Me, My love,
The journey is really not that long,
If you would but turn around,
Lift up your eyes and see,
There you would find me,
My gentle hands will wipe away your every tear,
The blood from My wounds will cleanse your every sin.

Cleansing and reaching ever deeper within,
Bring your broken hearts and shattered dreams
Lay them at My nail-pierced feet
For when you cried, I cried with you,
When you ran, I was there at your side,
When you hid there in the dark,
I was there as well.

I am with you always,
Not as a presence to be feared
But as One who knows you through and through,
One who has seen you at your worst and at your best
I know you, I love you, and I am for you.

As I sit back in my chair, I can still feel the embrace of God's loving arms around me, inviting me to rest in Him. In closing this month, I can feel God inviting each of you also to rest in His love. This is a hectic, busy world we live in today and we need all the love and rest we can get.

Sharing My Life (9/4/08) : Resting in God's Love and Acceptance

The past few weeks have really been busy ones in both my personal; and professional life. There was the move, all the packing and unpacking that went into that, working on housing with some of my clients, working through scheduling changes and conflicts with them, gaining new clients, the list goes on. In the midst of all that, I had a growing sense of how busy my life was becoming; not just with all the clients I have, but with all the other things I'm involved with as well: recovery work, character work with my Focus of the Warrior Group, church involvement with multiple congregations, that list could probably go on as well. I could feel all these things seeking to speak into my life, yet not all were speaking life into me. This was brought into clearer light by John's Eldrige's latest book, Walking with God. I just started listening to it on CD a few days ago and have really felt God using it powerfully in my heart life.

Yesterday I felt God really speaking to me about how I let others have a say in my life and at the same time how I resent them when they try to control it, or rather when I sense that they are trying to control it.That night as I was heading home after a long day at work and in life, I felt God inviting me to take time tonight and let Him minister to me in His Word. I had been so busy the past couple days, I had totally skipped over my usually morning devotional time. Anyway, I got home, sat down and read Psalms 103 & 139. As I had been praying during the ride back, those were the passages that kept coming to mind.

Reading through them I was drawn to Psalm 103: 8 " The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." and Palm 139: 1-5,

"O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head."

Through those two passages, I felt God showing me how deeply known and loved I am, and inviting me to trust in that love and knowledge. I thanked the Lord for that revelation and asked Him to continually remind me of that truth. I also ask each you to do so as well, as you feel led. Remind me again and again how deeply and intimately I and known and loved. For it is something I know I will forget amidst the hustle and bustle of my life and something our enemy, Satan, does not want me to remember. Thank you for letting me share that with you.

Life Update (9/4/08) : Busy Bee

Wow, I can't believe two months has already gone by since I last wrote you all. So much has been happening. My client load continues to increase in number and complexity, I lose a client or two, but others quickly move in to take their place. Sometimes I feel greatly reminded of that old saying, "I know God will only give me as much as I can handle (John 16:12, 1 Corinthians 10:14), but I do wish He didn't trust me as much as He does." I also know that many times when we feel our own load growing heavy, it is an invitation from God to share that load with others. As often as I can, I do work with others to help my clients. Sometimes I even find myself feeling envious of my clients in how much help they have available, and this, at times, opens my eyes to see the help that is there for myself.

In addition to working with my clients, I have also had to move once more. I was having some trouble with a few of my housemates and found that the best way to resolve the situation was to move out. Fortunately, a friend of mine was willing to let me move into the lower half of his town home up in Maple Grove, MN. My phone number and email moved with me, so they are still the same. My new address is 13685 74th Avenue North, Maple Grove, MN 55311. My Landlord there has a male Wippet dog named Pipper, who has graciously invited me into his house.

Also, for those of you who don't know, this month I turn 33. My birthday is Friday, September 12th and I will be hosting a party at my new digs from 7-10 pm that night. All who can are cordially invited to come. Presents and cards are always welcome, but never required. Your presence whether in thought or in body is always more important to me than any present you might give.

Meaningful Words (6/2/08)

As work to live honestly and peaceably with those around me, I find myself thinking of a few poems:

Into the Woods
I saw you when you ran into the woods,
For I was there with you,
I was the One you were running away from,
Yet I was the One you were running to,
Which was I to you?
Which were you to Me?

How I long for you to cling to Me as you used to,
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To share your thoughts and know your mind,
Yet you have drifted far away and are ever still running,
Farther and farther you roam,
It seems almost as if you are at home,
There in the wilderness,
Off in the distance.

Come home to Me, My love,
The journey is really not that long,
If you would but turn around,
Lift up your eyes and see,
There you would find me,
My gentle hands will wipe away your every tear,
The blood from My wounds will cleanse your every sin.

Cleansing and reaching ever deeper within,
Bring your broken hearts and shattered dreams
Lay them at My nail-pierced feet
For when you cried, I cried with you,
When you ran, I was there at your side,
When you hid there in the dark,
I was there as well.

I am with you always,
Not as a presence to be feared
But as One who knows you through and through,
One who has seen you at your worst and at your best
I know you, I love you, and I am for you.

You Desire?
The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”
They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”
-Acts 16:29-31

Just believe and you will be saved.
Yet even the demons believe in Christ and they certainly will not be saved
So what is it that You require?
What is it that you desire?
A heart undivided full of fire?
Will that be enough to inspire?

No, my spirit says, You want more
More than a life filled with good works
More than all the money I can earn
More than my first born son
So much more than I can ever give
And yet the answer is simple

You do not want my heart
You do not want my works
You do not want my family
All you really want is me
All of me

Impostor
You go to church every Sunday
Don the suit, don the mask, don the act
You sing the songs and listen to the sermon
But deep down you know it’s all a lie

Life continues on, you play the game every day
Load the bullet in the gun, and pray the chamber’s empty
Every time it gets easier,
Every time you loose a bit of yourself
Hiding the truth from all those you love
But there’s One who always knows

You think you’re doing them a favor
But you’re hurting them beyond repair
Acting like a Christian when you don’t even care

You’ve got the M. Div.
You’ve got the preacher’s touch
You even have your own church
Everyone thinks you’re the best
But you’ll never pass the final test.

Why do you continue on this blessing filled path to hell?
Still you play the sheep, when you know you’re a wolf
Do you think you can hide forever?

I pray that one day you’ll see the truth
That all those things you fake can be yours in real life
‘Cause there’s a God out there who knows you for all you are
And He longs for you to come home to Him at last

Thank you again, one and all, for taking the time to read through these meandering thoughts I call my musings. It is my prayer that God has spoken to you through them, drawn you closer to Him and through them has formed you more and more into the likeness of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. That is my continuing prayer for you and I hope you will pray the same for me as well. Thank you again. I hope you are all well.

Sharing My Life (6/2/08): Taking Responsibility Honestly

One of the main things I am learning on this road of recovery is that it is really important to take responsibility for my actions, both good and bad, and to be as honest as I can about it. I think this is part of what Paul means when He exhorts the believers in Rome to “live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)” For instance, a few months ago, I was removing a clean coffee cup from the dishwasher and it slipped from my hands and broke on the floor. I now had a couple options: 1) to clean up the mess and hope nobody noticed or 2) to clean up the mess, replace the cup and leave a note indicating such to the rest of the guys in the house. I chose the later and got the new cup later on that day. When I returned, my landlord commented saying that I really didn’t need to have bought a new cup. I thanked him for his comments and indicated I had already bought one. Looking back on the situation, though, I can see it really wasn’t about needing to buy a new cup or not. It was about taking responsibility for my actions and owning up to my mistakes.

This also applies to my work situation. I have often found my supervisors handle my mistakes a lot better when I come to them first and explain what happened honestly, then when they find out after the fact and I have to own up to it then. Of course some supervisors are more willing to work with my imperfections than others, but over all, I have found being honest and taking responsibility works out better than trying to appear perfect or better than I really am.