Coming Home?

• Mike’s Musings (01/23/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

Coming Home?

A few of you know this, most do not, this past Friday my church and I received a letter of resignation from our pastor. He had received a job offer from a larger church and he has decided to take it. The rest of the church that could make it met yesterday evening to decide what to do next. Many ideas were put forth and discussed. We knew we still wanted to meet together but were unsure of the format or time.

As for me, things were a bit different. In many ways, 2:42 Community Church had been the main reason I stayed in Saint Cloud after my time at the V.A. ended. I was planning on being ordained with them and had made plans to get my license to study at SCSU to be a Drug and Alcohol Counselor as a tag along, so I could become a Recovery Chaplain. Now I’m not so sure. Counseling still interests me, yet I’m more and more interested in the spiritual side of it, something none of my courses at SCSU would get close to. In fact, as I have looked around via the Internet, there are few schools that do. Many seminaries and Christian colleges, including Bethel, offer counseling degrees, yet they do not, at least explicitly integrate the spiritual element in the way I’m looking for. The closest one to what I’m looking for is at the Psychological Studies Institute, but that’s all the way in Georgia. Talbot also has an attractive program as part of their Institute for Spiritual Formation, but that’s in California.

So, what am I looking for? Maybe it’s just the books I’ve been reading or the people I’ve been hanging around with, but over the years as I have prayed, I have felt drawn to know how God shapes us into the people He desires us to be. From my biblical studies, I know that God has put His image in each of us (Gen 1), that He longs for us to come to know Him that we might receive His Holy Spirit inside to form us into the image of His Son Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1-2). To do this, we need to crucify our perceptions of ourselves along with Christ (Gal. 2:20) and become resurrected with Him (Col. 3:1) to new life as we are shaped and molded into His Image. In my mind, this happens as we put away our ways and desires of the past and take on the disciplines and virtues of Christ. As we do this more and more, we will exhibit more and more, the fruits of the Spirit (Gal, 5:22-23). This is how we become like Christ. This is what I want to come to an understanding of myself and help others to as well. I want to learn to see how God is shaping me into the man He longs for me to be, not so I can take over, though that may be the desire of some, but so I can cooperate and play along and help others to do the same. This has been the desire of my heart for some time now and I am still struggling to know how to live it out. When I pray, I daily turn this over to God and desire that He be the One to live it out through me, yet I still struggle to know what that would even look like.

In the midst of all of this, is the desire to just throw in the hat of ordained ministry and go home. But go home to what? My folks are more than willing to have me live down in Florida. Not with them, for they know that might be a bit much for me, but down there close by to them and my family that lives there. Yet I have never lived in Florida for the long term before. It would be a totally new environment with new people and everything. Yes, my family would be there, but friends would need to be made anew. Maybe if my folks were still living back in Massachusetts, things would be different. At least there I could return to my old church with my friends there. Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve been back there. Yet I’m not sure I’m ready to leave Minnesota either. My friends from all my years at seminary and since are here and I have really come to value those relationships. Sigh . . .

I’m so tired of being unsure and uncertain. Just as things were beginning to feel more and more certain, they seem to fall apart all over again. It’s times like this I find myself turning to the Psalms, both in the Bible and my poems. The Book of Psalms is often seen as the Judeo-Christian book of prayers. So are my poems, at least for me. So this month I share with you one of both.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble with its tumult. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved;
God will help it when the morning dawns.
The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter;
He utters His voice, the earth melts.

The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Come, behold the works of the LORD;
see what desolations He has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;
He burns the shields with fire.

“Be still, and know that I am God!
I am exalted among the nations,
I am exalted in the earth.”

The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Born Cracked
Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled
The world she offers many things to fill it
Yet I always come back wanting more
Each thing feels right at first
But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted
Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone
You pursue us day and night yet still we run
Unable to turn, unable to be filled
Until by grace You extend the hand
And turn us around in Your Embrace

The cross makes this possible
The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel
His Blood seals the crack
In Him we are filled
In Him we are loved
In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me
Though I have soaked in the blood
Still my vessel leaks
Many are the times I know not filling
Many are the times I know not love
Many are the times I know not acceptance

Why is this the case?
Dear God, extend Your Hand
Dear God, send down Your Grace
Turn me around full in Your Embrace.

Thanks again to each of you for joining me as I share my life with you in this fashion. I hope you were encouraged in your own journeys toward God. He is drawing each of us ever closer to Him and molding us all more and more each day. Sometimes we are conscious of that shaping, other times we are not. May God’s peace dwell richly with you, no matter where of the journey He finds you.

In His Grip,

Michel Jon Willard

The Conversion of Anne Rice

For years now it has been with a bit of "guilty pleasure" that I have enjoyed the writings of Anne Rice. For those of you who don't know her, her most famous writings are the Vampire Chronicles, including Interview with a Vampire. I really like the way she depicted the immortal life and especially the religious undertow's that were contained in almost all her writings. I must admit I haven't read every one of her books. Mostly I was intrigued by the character of Lestat, one of her vampires. He was always seeking for a deeper meaning in his life. It drove him to encounter the vampire "gods" and even Satan himself, became interested, though I never got a chance to read the novel where Lestat encounters him.

Recently I read an article in Christianity Today that said she had just published a new book entitled Christ The Lord. At first the cynic in me went, "Oh no, now she's done it. Depicting Christ as a vampire. It was something she hinted at in earlier novels, but I don't think she'd actually do it." However, reading further into the article I found that she, like Mel Gibson, had recently come back to the Catholic church and the book was written as an account based mainly on the Gospels. This idea got my attention and I ended up buying the book with some of my Christmas money.

It is a really good read and I highly recommend it. Not only does she stay true to the character of Jesus we find in the Gospels, but she also shows a remarkable understanding of Jewish customs of the day. The really interesting part is that this is a book written about Jesus' childhood. The part not recorded in the Gospels and it is told from His perspective.

Part of me has been wondering for a while now what it was like for Jesus to "grow up." I mean we know from Luke that He "grew in wisdom, stature and favor with God and man" (Lk 2:52), but what was that actually like for Him. Weird to think of the Son of God growing in favor with God, huh? We also know He never sinned (Heb. 4:15). So He was always "perfect." What would it mean then for Him to grow? Can one be "perfect" and yet still "grow"? Sort of messes with the mind, no? Anne Rice illustrates this happening in a interesting way. I don't want to take away from those of you who might read the book, so I won't really go in depth into it. Let's jut say her version of the young Jesus, is not yet fully aware of Himself. That He has the divine seed in Him is clear from the get go, but it is something He grows into. I'm not sure all the conservative theologians would be in agreement with her, but it does make for fascinating reading.

Also really good is Anne's own account of her journey back to the Catholic faith which she also includes in this book. The novel that is on the shelves today is not the one she intended to write in the first place. It was through researching that she found the real Jesus and came back to a saving faith in Him. Interesting how that can happen. I too have had my ideas of God and Jesus blown away by the "real article." He is unlike anything I could have imagined. Yet I find myself very thankful for that. After all, if I could imagine Him, then I could control Him and wouldn't really need Him in the first place, now would I. Thank God I was wrong about Him!

Faith Fixes You

• Mike’s Musings (12/02/05) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Continuing On . . .

Sometime life seems to jump from one big life event to the next, other times it just goes on. You’re not quite sure where God’s leading you or exactly how He’s going to get you there, yet still somehow time moves on. Since I last wrote, my job has changed. I’m now working for Caribou Coffee as a Team Member instead of at Spee Dee Delivery as a Package Handler. The pay is not as much, but the better work environment and part-time benefits more than makes up for that difference. Being a Package Handler was getting to withdrawn from people and I needed something that was more interactive and involved me working with people and developing skills more in common with my trade. Plus, I’ve always been a big fan of coffee!

Other than that, the plan is still to study Chemical Dependency at Saint Cloud State University for the next year or so and get my Graduate Certificate by the Fall of 2007 at the latest. By that time I should also hopefully be ordained and ready to find a chaplaincy job through which I can get Board Certification.

• Sharing my Journey: Faith Fixes You

Lately I have found myself enjoying a TV series called Firefly. It was on the air less than a season and only had 14 episodes in all, yet somehow a year or so later, came out with a feature film called Serenity. That was where I first stumbled across it. The movie had no big special effects moments or anything else to “attract” the general public, yet when I saw the trailer, I was hooked. Then I saw the movie in the theaters and again, later on when it came out on DVD. A friend, who was also a fan, mentioned there was a TV series and loaned me the DVD’s which he also happened to have. I could go on, but I think you get the idea that I liked this series and it’s movie.

The series and movie take place on Serenity, a Firefly class space ship with a ragamuffin crew whose make up makes no logical sense except maybe to their captain, Malcolm Reynolds. One of my favorite moments in the series is an interaction between River, a fugitive genius/psychic, and Book, a chaplain. River has found Book’s Bible and is attempting to make sense of its seemingly many “contradictions. ” Book calmly asks her what she’s doing and she says, “I’m fixing your Bible. It’s broken.” She then goes on to say how Noah’s ark and various other events recorded there just do not add up scientifically and that she’s trying to change that. Book looks at her and laughs. “River,” says Book, “you don’t fix faith. Faith fixes you.”

How true I have found that in my own journey with God through life. The times I tried to figure Him and life out are usually the times when it all gets so foggy and confused. Conversely, the times I just learn to sit back and live with the flow of how God’s moving in my life, the more sense things seem to make. At least until I muddy them up again by trying to explain it all to myself and others. Like many Christians, there are times when I grab for the latest way to “live for God.” Whether it be the Purpose Driven Life or the Jabez Prayer, I look for some principle to help me make sense of it all. At times I even find myself getting a bit legalistic and saying my way of understanding things is the only way. Yet eventually I always come back to the same realization: the life we live with God, through faith in His Son Jesus Christ, isn’t about trying to figure out God or life. It’s about realizing that we can’t and that’s why we need Him. Life wasn’t meant to make sense apart from God. And even with Him, there are still things we need to take on faith. That’s just the way it is.

For poems this month, I thought I’d go with one that represents the simplicity of faith and another that represents the complexity of life. Both are my own and together they illustrate the paradox that is sometimes our lot as Christ-followers.

You Desire?

The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”

-Acts 16:29-31

Just believe and you will be saved.
Yet even the demons believe in Christ and they certainly will not be saved

So what is it that You require?
What is it that you desire?
A heart undivided full of fire?
Will that be enough to inspire?

No, my spirit says, You want more
More than a life filled with good works
More than all the money I can earn
More than my first born son
So much more than I can ever give
And yet the answer is simple

You do not want my heart
You do not want my works
You do not want my family

All you really want is me
All of me

Born Cracked

Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled
The world she offers many things to fill it
Yet I always come back wanting more
Each thing feels right at first
But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted
Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone
You pursue us day and night yet still we run
Unable to turn, unable to be filled
Until by grace You extend the hand
And turn us around in Your Embrace


The cross makes this possible
The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel
His Blood seals the crack

In Him we are filled
In Him we are loved
In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me
Though I have soaked in the blood
Still my vessel leaks

Many are the times I know not filling
Many are the times I know not love
Many are the times I know not acceptance


Why is this the case?
Dear God, extend Your Hand
Dear God, send down Your Grace
Turn me around full in Your Embrace.

A belated Merry Christmas to all and my best wishes to each of you for a great New Year! Thanks for joining me again as I share my life and ministry with you all in this fashion. I hope this newsletter finds you each doing well and enjoying the many blessings of God all around you. He is always there; sometimes you just have to look a little harder.