Meaningful Words (12/4/06)

Here are a couple poems I’ve written over the past few months. I’ve also included my Immanuel poem in honor of Advent.

Pharisee
Sometimes I feel like a modern-day Pharisee
My outside is all nice and shiny
But inside I’m greasy, grimy

They tell me I’m great, they tell me I’m wonderful
If only they knew the truth, they’d tell me that I’m really full

But I keep it all inside
There in the darkness is where I hide
There where no one else dares abide

Yet into my life You come, O Lord
You, to whom, all my life is as an open door

Away you brush the thin layers of my outer mask
For even the thickest of walls, for You, would not be much of a task.

Deeper and deeper you delve within
Past all the muck, past all the sin

You wash it all clean with Your water of life
Freeing me from all my hate and strife

Community
Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what it means to be a true community
Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what God desires, His earthly Trinity

Your heart beating next to mine,
My heart beating next to yours
And at the center, there is God
In our midst

Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what it means to be a true community
Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what God desires, His earthly Trinity

For there are loads we cannot carry alone
Never were meant to be on our own
But side by side,
Let me carry you,
And when I’m tired
You’ll carry me too.
And we can can’t carry on
That’s when we’ll look to God
And find He’s been with us all along

Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what it means to be a true community
Christ in you, Christ in me
This is what God desires, His earthly Trinity

This road of life is long and narrow
With much toil and real sorrow
Yet hold to me,
As I hold to you,
And we will grow in His embrace.

Immanuel
Son of God, Immanuel
Tonight You came with us to dwell

You came to show us how to live
You came to us eternal life to give

Child of the King, You came from above
To teach us the true meaning of love

Took on our flesh, took on our sin
Our earthly burden, You took within

By Your hands, our wounds were healed
With Your blood our hearts are sealed

Teach us this day
To walk in Your way

Almighty Father, watch over us
Protect us from our darkness

Holy Spirit, Who dwells within
Keep us this day from all sin

Jesus, Redeemer, Lover, and Friend
To us Your embrace now extend

As we gather with our family
As we gather with our friends

Your love guides our hearts, as we amble blindly
While we hold hands, Your grace descends

And for those of us, who spend this season alone
As our spirits within us groan

Remind us, I pray, that You are always there.
Remind us, O Lord, that You always care.

The road we walk is treacherous
But You O Lord are ever with us

Give us this day our daily bread
Watch over us as we go to bed.

A-men.

Holistic Evangelism

As in the V.A., here at St. John’s, I have found in many ways I am re-learning not only how to share my faith but also how to grow in it. As some of you know, proselytizing or "aggressive evangelism" is not allowed within my role as chaplain. In fact, in action it is called "religious harassment" and goes right up there with "sexual", "racial", and all other kinds of "harassment." Some might see this policy as an affront to the Evangelical Christian lifestyle which almost assumes most of its members are sharing their faith on a regular basis. Yet I have come to see it as a different kind of invitation. An invitation to live out that famous quote from St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words." It also invites me into what I think is a much more gracious style of evangelism. Rather than actively seeking to save the soul of every veteran under my care, I have chosen instead to meet them where they are and in that place, help them to connect with God as they understand Him. I seek to help them find the tools for getting to know God on their own, rather than assuming my way of knowing Him is best.

There have been a few times where family members have asked me to “save” their relatives under my care. In those times I often state that I believe salvation happens best within the context of an already established relationship. That way the person new in their faith can grow in a safe and comfortable environment. I also point to the fact that I’m not sure it is in my role to save souls anyway. God, in the form of His Holy Spirit is the One Who ultimately does that. My job is to share my faith in the best way I can and for me, that faith is best shared by living my life before them as a testimony to the work of God’s Spirit within me.

Set in motion

My deepest apologies for the two-month delay in writing all of you. As you might imagine, what with two jobs, trying to have a social life and working towards ordination, my life has been a bit hectic as of late. But fear not, I bring you tidings of great joy ;-) This coming Tuesday (12/5/06) I will be meeting with the Elder Board at Calvary to gain their sponsorship for my ordination. The next step after that will be a meeting with Baptist General Conference’s Ministerial Guidance Committee, which should happen early on in the New Year. Then Calvary will assemble an Ordination Council consisting of pastors and ministers from their staff and that of other surrounding churches which will convene for, what my Associate Pastor called, a “two-hour grilling session.” If you are a pastor who receives this newsletter and would be interested in serving on that council, just let me know and I will pass your name to my Associate Pastor there who is assembling the council. Thanks!

Things are still going fine at St. John’s and Accessible Space, Inc. It’s hard to believe I have already been here for six months. By the way, I know Christmas is around the corner and a number of you may be wondering what to get me. If not, that’s fine too. For those that are, I have decided to post my wish list via Froogle this year. If you want to see it, just go to my Profile here and then click on the link for my “wish list” there. If you’re still at a loss, cash always works or gift certificates to Amazon.com or Christian Book Distributors . Thank you in advance!

Good Video

What kind of soul is Mike?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Tough Stuff

Some tough stuff, I know. I hope I did not offend some of you by my honest sharing. These musings are not meant to be authoritative sermons by any means. It is simply a space for me to share with you what is going on in my heart and life. Thank you for listening and understanding. As always your prayers are much appreciated. I hope each of you are well and continuing to draw close to God with me even as He is drawing us close to Him. He is the hope we hold onto, the source of all the faith we have, and the love that continually draws us closer. May God bless each of you.

Meaningful Words (10/2/06)

For poems this month, I chose one that some of you are familiar with and a few that you are not. The middle two were written after some of my discussions with a few of my more Calvinistic friends. The last was written back when I was in college and going through a hard time there.

Lies & Truth
I'm feeling kinda venerable tonight
My mixed up emotions are bubbling through
What I know as truth seems so boring
And deception seems so exciting
Though I know the difference between them

Chorus:
Lord, will You be my strength?
When I don’t want to be strong?
Will You carry me along
When it all seems so far gone
Lord, will you help me fight
When it feels like the battle’s already been lost

To lie is sin and sin is death
In truth is life or so I’ve been told
Yet the lie looks so attractive
And the truth just seems so covered with dust
For a lie can look like the truth
Just as a wolf can don sheep’s clothing
But in truth it’s still a lie
Despite it’s appearance otherwise.
Yes, this must be a wolf in sheep’s clothing
And my resistance is low

Chorus

I know my emotions can fool me
But, man, what I feel seems so real
You say tomorrow will be different
Yet today still has so much left to live
The devil he is so clever
And I am so naïve

Chorus

And it all comes down to choice
Will I choose to live or die
Will I choose to believe the lie
Or embrace the truth that is Christ
To stand strong in His might
And know He is on my side
This, at least, I know is true
God is real and He cares for me.

Why God? (Song of the Cursed)
In Romans 9:22-23 Paul writes that there vessels made only to be destroyed in the end. If those vessels were given a song, this is what I think they would sing.

With nail-pierced hands I was fearfully and wonderfully made,
Yet to return that love, for me that You forbade.
While I may cry desperately to You
To Your Own Nature You must be true.

Though you know the hairs on my head
It seems I’d be better off dead.
For I have no hope
No unbreaking rope

Your promises do not apply.
Yes, I am destined to die.
When I ask You, “Why?”
You simply cry,
“My Glory, it was for My Glory.”


Must It Be?
My heart aches as I read Your Word
For it seems for some it is absurd.
Though they read Your promises of hope and joy
For them it is something they can never employ.

I join Habakkuk and Abraham
And ask, “Must it be so?”
Like Jesus I ask for the cup to be taken,
Yet I know it’s Your Will
It must be so.

Nothing?
My children, I came to live with you.
I gave up My crown and throne to come be with you.
For 33 years I spoke truth and taught My ways.
Though I spoke the truth with love . . .
Still you heard what you wanted.
I spoke of love and grace,
You hear works and striving.
Does it mean nothing to you?

My children, I died for you.
For a long way I carried your sin.
I wore the crown of suffering.
You nailed Me to your cross.
For six hours I hung there praying for you.
I prayed for God to take My life.
To take it as payment for your debts.
I breathed My last in love.
Does it mean nothing?

My children, I stand before you.
My hands outstretched in love.
Look, see My hands and My feet.
The wounds that speak of sacrifice.
These wounds shed blood mixed with tears.
My children, I love you!
Does it mean nothing?


My children, you say it means everything.
You stand and sing My praises.
You claim My cross for your cause.
Yet your actions glorify Me not.
Your lips speak My Word.
Yet your heart plays a different chord.

Does it mean nothing?

Does it mean nothing to you?

DOES IT MEAN NOTHING?
DOES IT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Sharing My Life: Consequences versus Judgment

Ministering to the grieving and those in crisis has lead me to reflect a lot these days on my theology of God’s judgment. Some would say that those I minister to are in the hospital or assisted living facility because of some sin in their life or because of the fallen state on this world. Others would say they are casualties in an unseen spiritual war that has been raging on since before time began. I, myself, have never been able to reconcile the whole idea of a wrathful God. My heart kept on asking how a compassionate God could lovingly create children that were predestined to destruction. Sure, I had no problem being one of God’s elect, but, to put it as one of my favorite others does, I could never fully stomach the idea of being part of “a party going on in God’s living room while torture is going on down in His dungeon” (Brian D. MacLaren, The Last Word and the Word After That). I am still working all this out in my heart and mind and reflecting with God about it all. The easy pat answers aren’t really satisfying to me anymore. Even as I offer them to those I minister to, sometimes I find myself wondering, “Do I really buy what I’m saying? Do they?”

As I reflect back on this, I keep on coming back to the whole idea of becoming. If there is a heaven and a hell, and I do believe there is, then it seems to me as if we spend the whole of our lives preparing for one or the other. As Andy says in Shawshank Redemption,“ Get busy living or get busy dying.” Or to put it more biblically “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” (2Corinthians 4:7-9. We do not become who we are over night. Every choice we make, every step we take, shapes us into who we are and who we will be. And I believe God is with us the whole way through. Shaping and molding us into the people He desires us to be. The question is will we respond to His leading or continue to listen to the voices around us. Will be become like Jesus or will we become like the world?

Life Update: Too Busy?

Whoah, has a month gone by already? It seems like just last week I was celebrating my 31st birthday with some friends. Sometimes it feels like life is moving way too fast these days. Working two jobs can be really tiring at times, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Especially with the jobs I have. It can be truly draining to work with people in such intense situations day in and day out. Don’t get me wrong, I love both my jobs and all the people I work with, but sometimes the sheer volume of people I meet with every week gets a tad overwhelming.

At times like this, I take hope in the knowledge that this is only a temporary situation. By spring of 2007 at the latest, I am planning on being ordained with the Baptist General Conference through Calvary Church. With that added qualification, I should be that much more able to secure a full-time chaplaincy position. In the meantime, I know that God is with me throughout this and I find peace and hope in knowing that I am right where He needs me to be at this moment. I am not yet who He created me to be, but what I am going through now is necessary to be who He is developing me into.

Chaplaincy at St. John’s

The Job

My official title at St. John's is Weekend Chaplain, so I am there mostly on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I also come in on Thursdays to meet and interact with the rest of the Spiritual Care staff who are there during the rest of the week. On Fridays I come in early with pray with those patients going in for surgery. Then on Saturdays and Sundays I come in for four hours each day to tour the floors for patients who need to see a chaplain and visit with those who will not be there on Monday. Most of my visits consist of listening to the patient's concerns and carrying those with them to the Lord in prayer. That, in brief, is my job description as a chaplain.

The Philosophy

Sounds pretty simple, right? Sometimes it is, sometimes it's quite challenging to be there with patients. A lot of this depends on how the individual patient is working through their own concerns. There is also a deeper over-arching motivation for me. Some of you have read or heard my Ephesians 2:10 sermon in which I share about how we are each God's unique children, created to know Him and be know in and through Him, and how through that knowing we will become who He created us to be. For those of you who are not familiar with that sermon, I'd be happy to send you a copy. Anyway, in part of the sermon I share about how we all have a habit of hiding our true selves from each other and even from ourselves. We each don masks everyday to be the people we feel and have been taught that we are supposed to be. Yet in a moment of crisis, I find that all the masks come off and the true person developing underneath it all comes to the surface. Sometimes we like who we are in those cases, sometimes we don't. Many of the people I encounter at the hospital are like this. Life seems to have pulled the rug out from under them and they are unsure how to react. As a chaplain, it is my desire to create a safe place where people can explore this. To be comfortable being who they are amongst all this mess of life and know that they are accepted, loved and cherished. In my reading of the Gospels, that was how Jesus interacted with those around Him and as His disciple, I wish to do likewise.

Defining my Jobs

Okay, I think I've been at both of my new jobs just long enough to be able to let you in on what I'm actually doing for a living. At the same time, I know some of you are more interested in the why rather than the what. However, in both of my jobs, the why motivates the what, so it's sometimes hard to distinguish between the two.

Let me try my hand first at working as a Personal Care Attendant (PCA). The "what" of this job differs with each client. I happen to be working with Accessible Space, Inc. (ASI), a company that builds apartments for the handicapped and offers PCA services to those that qualify. In my building there are 5 such clients and I usually share them with one or two other PCA's. With each client, the PCA works to help them do things that they can no longer do because of their particular handicap. Sometimes this means preparing meals for them and helping them eat. Other times, it means cleaning up after them and helping them change cloths. It truly is humbling work.

Which brings me to the why. Some of you who have been with me for a few years, may remember the last time I worked as a PCA. Most of what I said then, still applies here:

In my ministry to the handicapped through my work at Our House, I am doing an incarnational work. You see, when Christ came down to be with us He retained all of His divine qualities, but He also knew that if He tapped into His full potential even once, His whole mission on earth would be canceled. He could have called down legions of angels in the Garden of Gethsemane , yet He knew He needed to go to the Cross (Matt. 26:53-54). There were many times throughout His time on earth when using His divine powers seemingly would have been to His advantage. Yet He resisted this temptation because He had a higher purpose in mind: The fulfillment of His mission, that of saving His People and fulfilling the scriptures. In the same way, I too have a mission in my work with the handicapped that restricts some of my capabilities. For example, part of my work there is to help the residents go through certain programs designed to help them become more independent. Now, it is fully within my power to do these tasks for them or even physically lead them through each time, and believe me there have been many times I have been tempted to do this. However, I know that if I do, my whole purpose of promoting that residentÂ?s independence would be thwarted. If anything, I would be increasing their dependence on me as a care attendant, and while that may feed my ego and make me feel all good inside, it does little to forward the action on their independence.

What's different this time is that most of my clients here are already as "independent" as they can be within the limits of their handicaps. My job is to help those limits not be as confining.

Life Lessons from FireFly

I found this on a freind's MySpace profile and felt compelled to include it here. This is for all you out fellow FireFly fans out there who also happen to be my friends ;-)

Sharing My Life: Detecting Filters

One of the things I continually become more aware of every time I get into a position that involves direct interaction with people is how my assumptions I have affect their reality and how theirs affect mine. Now I know some of you might tell me I need to just get rid of all my assumptions, but I don’t really think that’s totally advisable or even really possible in many cases. I mean, an assumption is basically something that is accepted as true based on previous experience. For example, in order to type these words, I am assuming the keys I am hitting will translate to letters on this page. I am assuming this chair I am sitting in will hold me. Those and others are just the assumptions I’m aware of. There are even more under the surface that are just automatic for me. Our conscious awareness can only handle so much information, so our brain is constantly filtering what information we consciously perceive and what information just “goes in one ear and out the other.” Sometimes we are even conscious of this selection process. However, there is a lot about it we are not conscious of.

One assumption that I constantly interact with as a chaplain is that I, as a chaplain, will be like all the other chaplains or ministers in this patient’s life. Based on all their previous experiences with ministers they have built up a set of expectations. They have a mental picture of what a chaplain is supposed to be like. In many cases, this is good, because it saves me the time it would normally take to explain my role, but other times the patient has had negative experiences of pastors and that make them much less receptive to my care. Other times they have had positive experiences, yet may still have assumptions about how I should be with them that I need to be aware of in my interactions with them.

So, being a chaplain continues to be a challenging and formative experience for me. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I will “arrive” as a chaplain and know “all that I need to know.” We rarely, if ever, reach that point in any area of our lives and chaplaincy is no different.

Life Update: Another Step Closer

The biggest news update in my life happened just last week. This past Friday, I met with an Associate Pastor at Calvary Community Church in Roseville, MN. In that meeting, I found that he and his church would be happy to start working with me towards ordination. According to him, the process with his church and our denomination should take about 6 months. That should give me time to become a member and find my ministry niche there. Things are going well at both St. John's and Accessible Space, Inc. More and more I am growing into my role at each place and beginning to feel at home in them.

Letting Go and Taking Hold

This month as I was thinking back over some of what I've been writing here the past few months, I noticed a bit of a paradox. There are times when God teaches me to let go of certain things in my life and times when I sense He wants me to be more aware and take hold of certain things. Interestingly enough, sometimes it seems like it's the same things. Though I am usually able to come back to the issue with new eyes. I know some of you would say God is teaching me to let go of the "things of man" that I may take hold of the "things of God", and I would agree. I also think there's more to it than that.

As I was pondering these things, God brought to mind the passage where Jesus invites us to rest in Him. In Matthew 11, starting in verse 28, He says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." If I were more of a cynic I might read this with raised eyebrows. Here I come wearied from carrying all my worldly burdens. I lay them at the feet of this Jesus fellow and He gives me His burdens and ties me into His yoke. The nerve of the guy! Yet Jesus also points out that his burden is easy and light. And if by carrying it, He has become gentle and humble, that maybe I can learn to be that as well.

To be sure, learning to walk as Christ did is not always easy at first, nor do the burdens of this life of faith always feel light, yet I think, here again, this is a process. Few of the best things in life are easy at first, like being an artist or athlete. It takes practice, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes. In addition, as God's beloved children, we have the promise that He is watching over us and taking us by the hand. Our burdens are His and His burdens are ours.

Life Update (6/28/06)

Getting settled back down in the Cities is still going a bit slow. I am now working "regular" hours with both jobs and find it's keeping me pretty busy. My Chaplain's job with St. John's takes up all day Thursday, Friday and Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoon. Accessible Space Inc. employs me as a personal Care Attendant Sunday, Monday and Wednesday evenings. In addition, starting next month, I'll be working Fridays as the On-Call Chaplain for all of HealthEast. That's the health network St. John's is part of. That leaves me with Tuesday as the only day I don't have to work either job. As you might imagine, it keeps me pretty busy.

I'm also still working out where I will be attending church on a regular basis. My hours with St. John's on Sunday begin at noon, so that sort of minimizes my ability to attend certain worship services. To further complicate matters, because of my chaplaincy requirements I find myself kind of having to be a "church-shopper with an edge." I'm not just looking for a church where I can attend on a regular basis, I want one where I can become actively involved and even hopefully work towards ordination. Even if it takes a few years, I'm willing to invest that into a church, if they are able to invest back into me. I do hope to find such a church soon.

By the way, as you may have noticed this month I thought I'd try posting my monthly updates in smaller pieces to make it more accessible on my blog site. Let me know what you think.

"Click", a few thoughts . . .

This afternoon I decided to go see Adam Sandler's latest movie Click. I'm not normally a fan of his comedy, but the concept behind this movie intrigued me. What would I do if I had a "remote control that remote controlled my universe"? What would you do? As I watched the movie, a thought donned on me. We do have a remote control for our universe! It's called our heart. There's a certain cycle of life I've been noticing over the years: our choices shape our hearts and in turn, our hearts shape our choices. It's a bit of a scary thought, I know, but I think it's true. We didn't get where we are today by accident, the choices we made along the way lead us to this point. Every time we make a decision, we are opening up a whole new array of choices. At the same time, we are also closing out a whole other set of choices. Each turn we make is a "point of no return."

As Christians, this shouldn't come as a surprise to us. After all, don't Solomon's Proverbs advise us to "guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23)? Interestingly enough, the prophet Jeremiah also calls the heart "deceitful above all things and beyond cure" (Jer. 17:9). So, one might ask, how can it be both? Well, as Adam Sandler's character find out, it all depends on who's holding the remote. Now some might say the answer here is to simply give one's heart to God. Yet as John White once wrote, "the trouble with living sacrifices is they keep crawling off the altar." Yes, it's true and I'll be the first to admit it, even we who have given our lives over to Christ still make bad choices. Even awful messy ones. The key is still to come to terms with the choices we've made and learn to live our lives differently. That's where it really helps to have an example of One Who got it all right! That one being Jesus Christ.

One more thing I should point out. Changing one's heart is not a one time thing. It's not like "Boom!" the moment you were saved you became a perfect Christian destined to walk in Christ's footsteps. No, it's still a gradual process and you will make mistakes along the way. Hey, it took you your whole life up to this point to become who you are, so it's going to take a little time to become someone different. The good news is, God understands that. That's why He sent His Son to show us the way and pay the price to enable us to walk in it. Let us each accept Jesus' invitation to "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:29).

Mike's New Place

• Mike’s Musings (06/01/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Mike’s New Home

Well, all the furniture is in place and most of the bags and boxes are unpacked. My new apartment is a bit smaller than my old one, but still, it is beginning to feel like home. For those who might have missed it in my last newsletter, my new address is 26 10th Street West, Apartment #1104, Saint Paul, MN 55102 with (651) 290-2839 as my new home phone number. Both my cell phone number and email address remain the same: (651) 303-9675 and mwillard77@yahoo.com. My new jobs don’t start till next week, so I have spent a lot of time this week exploring my new neighborhood. From my balcony I can see both the Saint Paul Capital Building and the Saint Paul Cathedral. Within easy walking distance from my new place are the Science Museum of Minnesota, the Ordway Center for Performing Arts, as well as a number of other significant points of interest. So, anytime you guys come down to visit those places, you can pay me a visit as well or even invite me to come along! By the way, I will soon be taking pictures of my new place, as well as the view from my balcony. Anyone interested in receiving them via email, just let me know and I’ll send them along.

• Sharing My Journey: Developing Christ’s Character

It has been an interesting past few weeks as I have made the move and transition from Saint Cloud down to Saint Paul. I have had a lot time to think over the steps that brought me to where I am and what the next steps will be. These days, I find God is teaching me a lot about the short term and long term effects of certain choices I am making. It's not that my life is in an awful mess, but there are some areas where I am realizing I need to be more careful and prayerful about my actions. Sometimes it feels so "good" and easy to make a bad choice. Often times the choices aren't even obviously "bad" at the outset.

For instance, I own a lot of books, and with most of them, I bought them thinking, "God can use this to teach me a lot about myself, Him and others." Yet the truth is, those books cost me money. Money that may have been better spent elsewhere like going into a Savings account or going to my church. In addition, I also have a number of books I own that I have not even read yet. I buy the book with every intention of reading it and then life just goes by too quickly and there is sits still on my shelf. When you think about it, life is full of choices. In fact, we kind of make our lives what they are based on the choices we make. Sure, there are a number of things that happen that are out of our control, yet even those can be traced back to someone 's choice. In addition, while we may not be in control of everything that happens to us, we do have a choice as to what we do with "the time that is ours" to quote Lord of the Rings.

These days I am realizing that many of the best things in the Christian life require long-term investment. I am not talking about money, though I suppose it could work with that as well. No, What I am getting at here is the development of our character in Christ. To follow His way and become like Him is not a one-time choice. It is "a long obedience in the same direction" as Eugene Peterson writes. Paul describes it in Romans 5 saying: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:3-5) For better or worse, we are characterized by the choices we make. These days, I often find myself trying to make up for some of my bad choices and hoping the good ones I making will be enough. Thankfully, I know I am not alone. God is here with me. He is my strength even when I feel weak. He will help me stand, though, at times, I feel like I'm falling. He is my hope and my shield, the Rock upon which I stand.

For poems this month, I find myself reminded of two I have presented here before:

The Inner War
I woke up this morning and there you were in my face
The mirror your eyes, my soul your home
My worst enemy, my best friend
Everything I used to be, everything I might be again

Come back into the dark you whisper
But I’m yearning and fighting for the light
It’s so much easier and more comfortable there
Yet I know here is where I must remain

Hide yourself, it’s so much safer
No, I must be true to the world
I cannot don the mask of security
Cannot fake the act of sincerity
When everything I do and say is just a lie

Truth is more powerful than lie
And more powerful still when backed up by life
I know the life I should live
And I pray one day
It will be the life I do live

Born Cracked
Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled
The world she offers many things to fill it
Yet I always come back wanting more
Each thing feels right at first
But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted
Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone
You pursue us day and night yet still we run
Unable to turn, unable to be filled
Until by grace You extend the hand
And turn us around in Your Embrace

The cross makes this possible
The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel
His Blood seals the crack
In Him we are filled
In Him we are loved
In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me
Though I have soaked in the blood
Still my vessel leaks
Many are the times I know not filling
Many are the times I know not love
Many are the times I know not acceptance

Why is this the case?
Dear God, extend Your Hand
Dear God, send down Your Grace
Turn me around full in Your Embrace.

We are God’s creation, each and every one of us, yet we are as yet unfinished projects. With every choice we make we take a step. Whether forward or back, His hand holds ours still and leads us along His way. He is our faithful Father and we are the sheep of His hand. With that I close for this month. May God’s Peace dwell richly in each of your hearts.

Mike according to Seseme Street ;-)

You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around. You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy. You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you. How you life your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

Releasing Control

• Mike’s Musings (05/08/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Mike’s on the Move

Yes, it’s true. As I mentioned in my “Good News” email I got the job as the Condo Chaplain at St. John’s Hospital in Maplewood, MN. The job will start in June and I’ll be moving in a few weeks. A Going-Away party will also be held this Saturday. I’m sending a separate email with moving and party details. Let me know if you do not receive this email and would like too. Since my new job is only for 20 hours a week, I’ve also secured a Personal Care Attendant position with Accessible Space, Inc. in Roseville, MN to help fill in with additional income coverage. It’s a company that houses and provides assistance for mentally and physically challenged individuals.

• Sharing My Journey: Releasing Control

During the last few months and weeks as the time of this move came closer and plans began to become clearer, I have really been wrestling a lot with my desire to control things. Most of my friends have often commented appreciatively about my laid back and flexible way of handling things, yet these days I find myself more and more concerned about wanting things to turn out “just right.” In some ways, I never knew myself to be such a “control-freak” until certain things in my life started to become “unruly.” I didn’t realize the comfort having a steady income could bring, until I didn’t have one. I didn’t realize how much I had come to depend on my church and my friends there until they started having trouble and their trouble in turn affected me. This whole experience has definitely increased my awareness of how much others affect me and I them.

As I have sought God out in prayer through this, I have continually felt His invitation to let go and release more and more things and aspects of my life into His control. Really, if you think about it, He’s in control of it all anyway, so all I’m doing is acknowledging His faithfulness in my life and stepping out of the way. The more I embrace this truth, the more I am coming to realize what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 6, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25), as well as Paul in Philippians 4, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Phil. 4:12)

For this month’s music and poetry section I went with two songs and a poem:

My Savior My God

From the album Anything Worth Saying
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x’s)

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x’s)

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
- Aaron Shust

Let Go
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so (let go)let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so (let go)yeah, let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so (let go)let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so (let go)yeah, let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

hey-ya hey-ya hey I..
hey-ya hey-ya hey.. mm heyehey
hey-ya hey-ya hey I..
hey-ya hey-ya hey.. mm heyehey

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so (let go)let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
mm the breakdown
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so amazing here
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown...
- Frou Frou

I end, You begin
God, I’m tired, I’m through, I can’t do anymore
Since when did this life become such a chore?
My body is weary, my spirits are low
Why does it seem what I reap is far from what I sow?
Everything in me says go on and die
Yet deep inside me, there You still lie.

You say, it’s good I’m tired, it’s good I’m through, It’s good I can’t do anymore.
Now the real work begins, now I can really soar.
If I am at my end, that means I must turn to You again
Let Your Spirit refresh me, and Your blood wash me clean
For when I end, then You truly do begin
-Michel Jon Willard

Well, that’s all folks for this month. Thanks again for letting me share my life and ministry with you in this fashion. I pray that I will continue to open your eyes to the blessings His work in you is already bringing into your life and the lives of all those around you. When it all comes down to it, all we really need to know of God is that He loves each of us and is faithful to work out all things for His glory and our good. May His peace dwell every more richly in your hearts and minds.

In His Grip,
Michel Jon Willard

A "Serenity" Prayer

I was watching Serenity again today and was struck by a prayer Shepard Book shared:

"Lord, I'm walking Your way. Let me in for my feet are sore and my cloths are ragged. Look in my eyes, Lord, and my sins will play out on them as on a screen. Read them all, forgive what You can and put me on my path. There I'll walk on until You bid me rest. "

If you're curious to hear it yourself, you'll find it among the deleted scenes. What strikes me is the humble plainness. No eloquent language or phrasing, just an host plea for mercy. Reminds me a lot of Jesus' parable of the Tax Collector and the Pharisee in Luke 18. The world may look to the words, but God sees right through to the heart.

Some of you may note that it lacks the "customary" "in Jesus Name." It doesn't even end with "amen." Yet remember, prayer is not so much about requesting things as it is about building a relationship between you and God by sharing your heart with Him and letting Him share His with you. Where did we get the idea that we needed to end our prayers in that fashion anyway? Are we trying to remind God of His promise in John 14? Are our prayers really made more powerful or meaningful based on how they are worded? Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with praying in that way. It's just sometimes I think we place more emphasis on the exterior and not so much on the interior. When you think about it, who we are inside is really the true us and that is who God is concerned with. He isn't fooled by our play-acting. And I say thank goodness for that. "Just be who you are.", He says, "That's really all I see anyway."

Good News!

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to drop you all a quick note to let you know that I got the Condo Chaplain job at St. John's down in Saint Paul! The position will start the first week of June which gives me the rest of April and May to work out the logistics and get moved in. I'm still putting together all the necessary pieces to make the most of my time there, but now at least this foundation piece is firmly in place. In May's newsletter I'll hopefully be able to fill you in on the details of when the move will be taking place and how those of you who are willing and able can help. I'd also love to have a farewell commissioning party of some sort. Let me know if any of you have any ideas or would want to help with that as well. Thanks! Hope all is well with each of you. God bless!

In His Grip,

Mike Willard

Letting Go Again

• Mike’s Musings (04/10/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Still in Transition, Part 2

This Thursday (04/13/2006) I am scheduled for a second interview for the Condo Chaplain position at St. John’s in Maplewood, MN at 10:30 am. Your prayers would be appreciated. Pray for wisdom and discernment for both the Spiritual Care staff at St. John’s and myself. This job is not a full-time chaplain position, but getting it would take me one more step in that direction. In addition, I have contacted a local Baptist General Conference official who is willing to help me find a church in the area with whom to pursue ordination and we both know a common acquaintance in the area who manages a local Caribou store there in the Cities. Maybe he could give me more hours.

I have also applied at a number of other different job places around here, just in case I don’t get that job. My hope is that I’ll have a workable job situation by the end of April. If it does end up that I’m still here in St. Cloud, I can probably hook up with a near by church to pursue ordination with. I’m learning to take my time with this and let God show me how He desires me to walk through this.

• Sharing My Journey: Letting Go Again

It seems fitting to me that it is Easter season and here I am, once again, learning to “let go and let God.” Back in Jesus’ day, this was a time for the disciples to set aside their expectations of Who Jesus was and what it meant that He had come to save them. If you look through the Gospel accounts of Holy Week, you can see the disciples are still wresting with the idea of Jesus coming to die. They still had allusions of Him gaining political power and overthrowing Rome. James and John even ask to sit on Jesus’ right and left hand “in glory” (Mark 10:37) much to the incredulity of His other disciples (Mark 10:41). Yet the time was drawing near when what they thought would happen and what would actually happen would finally collide. In the aftermath of that collision, the disciples would be left with a choice. Would they cling to their old ideas and assumptions or embrace reality? They could no longer hold on to both at the same time. They had to totally let go of one to fully take hold of the other.

I too must let go of some old ideas, in order to fully take hold of the new. I have to let go of the idea of getting a job that will have everything I want now. If I don’t, how will I see the gradual steps God is laying out before me? I still want it all now, yet God says again, “Good things take time” and “As you grow stronger in Me, so things will become clearer.” God prepares His people for the tasks He appoints to them and does not give us more than they are ready for. Every step we take is preparation for the next one.

As I think through these things, I am reminded of a poem that I wrote last year and the song that went with it. The poem and song were called “Let Go." Both are available in the two posts previous to this one. I am also reminded of song by the group Pray for Rain appropriately called “I Don’t Understand.”:

I retreat
By myself at the back of my brain
I cannot see
What You're showing me through this pain
I have found
That I have found
Nothing for so long

Chorus
I don't understand
I don't need to
I know You've a plan
You will see through
It is in Your hands
I believe You

I say goodbye
I leave my loved ones far behind
I'm asking
Why is this is the story of my life
I have found
That I have found
Nothing for so long

Chorus

I was only wondering
I've been trying to understand
I know there is more
So much more than I can see

Chorus 2x

Well, that’s it for this month from this neck of God’s Kingdom. Thank you again to each of you for joining me as I share my life with you in this fashion. I pray God will continue to draw you closer to Him and make you more like Himself during this Holy Week. May He continue to open your eyes to His overflowing blessings already in your life.

In His Grip,

Michel Jon Willard

"Let Go" lyrics

Here are the lyrics for my song available in the previous post below:

Let Go
The Father:
I invite you, My child, to let go.
Let go of your need to worry for it really does you no good.
Let go of your need to control for you really have none.
Let go of your need for a plan for I am all you really ever need!

I invite you, My child, to let Me in.
Let Me into your concerns for I can bear your load.
Let Me into your life for I do know what I am doing.
Let Me into your heart for I am the One you were created for.

I invite you, My child, to know the truth.
Know that I care for you and I will see to your needs.
Know that I am taking care of them even now.
Know that I am Your Faithful Father.

His child:
Lord, help me to trust when I don’t want to trust
Lord, help me to love when I don’t want to love
Lord, help to give, when I don’t want to give
To give my life to You.

For You, O Lord, are the Lover of my soul
And You, O Lord, are faithful
Yes, You O Lord, will watch over me
And care for me better than I ever could.

"Let Go"

Is God Confusing?

"God is not a god of confusion" or so I have often heard friends say or pray in reference to me or others who are going through a hard time. Well, while this may be the case with God, Himself, I have often found it is far from true with His followers. So, I decided to track down the actual scriptural reference used here. The verse, as found in the fourteenth chapter of Paul's first letter to the Corinthian Church, verse 33, reads as follows: "for God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." It is part of a larger discussion of church conduct and is speaking specifically about sharing prophesies. It seems that in the Corinthian church, the common practice had been for everyone to share what God had revealed to them all at once and leave the sorting to the individual listeners. Paul, however, advises them to prophesy one person at a time and with an interpreter present, if necessary. Sounds like good advice to me.

However, while I have heard this verse used in the context of church conduct, I have also heard it used in the context of people's lives, my own included. It seems, at least according to using it in this context, that those who are confused in their lives are not in sync with God. For if they were, then their lives would make sense, both to themselves and to those looking in. However, there are plenty of people in the Bible whose lives did not make sense those around them, nor did it at times make sense to them. Do you think Abraham totally understood what was going on when God said Sarah would have a child? Come on, man, the guy was one hundred years old and Sarah was in her nineties. If that happened today, we would all blame it on fertility drugs and wonder about the suitability of the parents. Or how about Peter, leaving his thriving fishing business to go and follow Jesus. Did that make sense?

When did following God and making sense become inseparable? When did logic and order become tools required for discerning God's will? Maybe I'm going a bit too far, but sometimes I wonder. In trying to make such sense of God and His Will for our lives, are we not merely just trying to put God within the box of our own understanding? Are we replacing the God of mystery with the God we can understand? If so, are we not committing idolatry of a sort? Okay, I think that's enough for now. Maybe I better think more about this and come back. Feel free to comment in the mean time.

Waiting with God Again

• Mike’s Musings (03/13/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Still in Transition

Sorry for the delay in writing. I was waiting for a decision from a chaplaincy of sorts that I have been pursuing in Saint Paul. St. John’s Hospital in Maplewood, MN has an opening for a casual Chaplain position. The really nice thing about it is that it includes an apartment rent and utility free! I interviewed for the position two weeks ago and was supposed to get an answer this past Friday. What I got was a “Wait and see . . .” I’m still thier #1 candidate, but they are now in the process of having to re-structure that position. They said they would hopefully be able to let me know mid-April. I do have a few other prospects as well, but this one is really the most promising to date.

Things at Caribou are going all right. They are a very performance driven company and I, unfortunately, made a few too many mistakes during my first shifts with them and am now being really short shifted as a result. I am lucky to be scheduled for four hours a week. Fortunately, I have been able to compensate some by subbing for other employees and my folks are helping me out some financially. I do try and have fun while working there the few hours I do, yet sometimes it’s hard to “put on a happy face” when much of my life still feels up in the air.

• Sharing My Journey: Waiting with God Again

As I look back over this past month in prayer, I hear echoes from the biblical stories of Joseph and Jeremiah. Like Joseph, God gave has given me a vision of the work He wants for me to do, yet not the practical path of how to get there. God took Joseph on a odd journey to get him to the place where his vision finally came into being and at times it feels like mine is an odd journey as well. I try to find hope in this similarity, yet there are times too where I find myself feeling like Jeremiah, “O LORD, you deceived me, and I was deceived.” (Jeremiah 20:7a) I know it is not in God’s nature to deceive, but unfortunately I have found it is often in my nature to misunderstand. There are many times when I long for the certainty of God’s work in my life that I had in months and years past. Yet I do know God’s work in me now is necessary for the work He will do through in the future.

Another interesting thing I have found over this past month is that people have a hard time with people like me. Most times when people ask me how I am, I say, “Things are going all right.” Every once in a while someone will seek to know more, and most times try to quickly fix my problems. Sometimes this is comforting, other times, the last thing I want or need is another “fixer” in my life. At times it feels more like “Your problems make me uncomfortable, so I want to fix them for you so we can both be more comfortable.” As if God’s main aim in our lives was to make us “comfortable.” The longer I struggle through this stage in my life, the more I become convinced God all that interested in our comfort as much as He is interesting in our conforming. God’s main desire for each of us is to be conformed into the image of His Son Jesus Christ and at times this process is far from comfortable. It’s like the question Lucy asks the Beavers in C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, “Is Aslan safe?” “No”, Mrs. Beaver replied, “but He is good.”

That has become one of the main things that gets me through my day during this time. I know God is at work in me, I know He is good and I know He is faithful. The harder things get, the more I find myself trusting more and more in that one fact. Maybe that is God’s purpose in all this. We shall see. We shall see.

Though I know this letter is already a bit long, I hope you will endure me for just a bit longer. This month I found myself reminded of a hymn I first came across when I moved here to Minnesota. I sang it a number of times while working as a chaplain and now find myself singing it again. It’s Be Still, My Soul by Katharina A. von Schlegel:


Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Thank you for joining me again as I share my life with you in this fashion. May God continue to open the eyes of your heart to the ways He is at work in your life. May His peace and joy dwell richly with you.

In God’s Grip,

Michel Jon Willard

A Pattern for Spiritual Growth

Some of you know that I have been walking with, and counseling as needed and desired, a friend of mine who has been struggling some with his former church. It seems they were a church that like many today focused a lot on outward appearances. To hear him tell it, you might think the church had become a tad too legalistic in its approach to church discipline and holiness. Now, I'm not saying my friend is right and the church is wrong. I don't have enough facts to make such an accusation, nor am I even in a position to do so. However, his situation does bring to light a pattern that I have seen in a lot of today's churches. That is, how we go about cultivating spiritual growth in each others lives.

There are a number of biblical passages that speak about how to cultivate spiritual growth in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. To cover the full gamut would take a sermon series and many notable authors have written books on the subject. Some might even suspect I'm related to one of those authors. Let me set the story straight right now for the both of us, Dallas Willard and I are not related in any way. Though, when he visited Bethel and I asked him to sign my book, he did sign it, "To cousin Mike . . ." ;-) But I digress. The main passage I find myself drawn to this afternoon is Colossians 3: 1-17

Here is one of the many times we find Paul setting up a pattern for spiritual growth. Notice that there are three areas of our lives affected here: our hearts, our minds and our actions. First, Paul says: "Set your hearts on the things above," (3:1) then he says, "Set your minds on the things above,"(3:2) and finally, the next paragraph speaks of our actions (3: 5-10). The three seem to work together in this passage, as they do in a number of the other passages that speak of this kind of Christian growth. The process starts in the heart of each individual believer, then proceeds to the mind and is completed when shown forth in our actions.

Each part is needed. If our heart is not in it, than we are just going through the motions. At best, we are luke-warm Christians and at worst, we are white-washed sepulchers, modern-day pharisees of the worst kind. If our hearts are in it, but our minds don't follow suit, then it will be a short-lived obedience at best. And lastly, if our hearts and minds are in it, yet our actions have not yet fallen in line, than we need to start following through or else our testimony to the world will be at risk. Yes, God looks beyond the externals to see our heart, but the world stops right at the externals. We need to live in a manner that is pleasing to God and testimonial to the world. It is a tough balancing act, but then no one ever said the Christian life would be easy. Thankfully though, God does say, He will give us the strength needed to do whatever He calls us to (Philippians 4:3).

The problem is many of today's churches seem to choose one of these and favor it high above to other three. There are those who favor the heart and center greatly on God's mercy and grace. There are those who favor the mind and focus mainly on God's truth and righteousness. There are those who favor actions and emphasize God's law and holiness. Yet it sounds like Paul here is saying all three are important. Almost like, you can't have one without the other two. They all work together in the young Christian Spiritual life.

It all starts with the heart, then comes the mind and finally, in time, come the actions. Yet, we all want results. We all want the finished product now. We want to all be instantly sin-free Christians. Thankfully, God has a lot more patience with us than we do with ourselves. Well, I could go on, yet I feel I have probably said more than enough already. So let me close with one of Jesus, parables, that I believe also speaks to this theme:

"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Phariseee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men - robbers, evildoers, adulterers - or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

- Luke18:10-14 (NIV) -

Coming Home?

• Mike’s Musings (01/23/2006) •

Dear family & friends,

Coming Home?

A few of you know this, most do not, this past Friday my church and I received a letter of resignation from our pastor. He had received a job offer from a larger church and he has decided to take it. The rest of the church that could make it met yesterday evening to decide what to do next. Many ideas were put forth and discussed. We knew we still wanted to meet together but were unsure of the format or time.

As for me, things were a bit different. In many ways, 2:42 Community Church had been the main reason I stayed in Saint Cloud after my time at the V.A. ended. I was planning on being ordained with them and had made plans to get my license to study at SCSU to be a Drug and Alcohol Counselor as a tag along, so I could become a Recovery Chaplain. Now I’m not so sure. Counseling still interests me, yet I’m more and more interested in the spiritual side of it, something none of my courses at SCSU would get close to. In fact, as I have looked around via the Internet, there are few schools that do. Many seminaries and Christian colleges, including Bethel, offer counseling degrees, yet they do not, at least explicitly integrate the spiritual element in the way I’m looking for. The closest one to what I’m looking for is at the Psychological Studies Institute, but that’s all the way in Georgia. Talbot also has an attractive program as part of their Institute for Spiritual Formation, but that’s in California.

So, what am I looking for? Maybe it’s just the books I’ve been reading or the people I’ve been hanging around with, but over the years as I have prayed, I have felt drawn to know how God shapes us into the people He desires us to be. From my biblical studies, I know that God has put His image in each of us (Gen 1), that He longs for us to come to know Him that we might receive His Holy Spirit inside to form us into the image of His Son Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1-2). To do this, we need to crucify our perceptions of ourselves along with Christ (Gal. 2:20) and become resurrected with Him (Col. 3:1) to new life as we are shaped and molded into His Image. In my mind, this happens as we put away our ways and desires of the past and take on the disciplines and virtues of Christ. As we do this more and more, we will exhibit more and more, the fruits of the Spirit (Gal, 5:22-23). This is how we become like Christ. This is what I want to come to an understanding of myself and help others to as well. I want to learn to see how God is shaping me into the man He longs for me to be, not so I can take over, though that may be the desire of some, but so I can cooperate and play along and help others to do the same. This has been the desire of my heart for some time now and I am still struggling to know how to live it out. When I pray, I daily turn this over to God and desire that He be the One to live it out through me, yet I still struggle to know what that would even look like.

In the midst of all of this, is the desire to just throw in the hat of ordained ministry and go home. But go home to what? My folks are more than willing to have me live down in Florida. Not with them, for they know that might be a bit much for me, but down there close by to them and my family that lives there. Yet I have never lived in Florida for the long term before. It would be a totally new environment with new people and everything. Yes, my family would be there, but friends would need to be made anew. Maybe if my folks were still living back in Massachusetts, things would be different. At least there I could return to my old church with my friends there. Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve been back there. Yet I’m not sure I’m ready to leave Minnesota either. My friends from all my years at seminary and since are here and I have really come to value those relationships. Sigh . . .

I’m so tired of being unsure and uncertain. Just as things were beginning to feel more and more certain, they seem to fall apart all over again. It’s times like this I find myself turning to the Psalms, both in the Bible and my poems. The Book of Psalms is often seen as the Judeo-Christian book of prayers. So are my poems, at least for me. So this month I share with you one of both.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble with its tumult. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved;
God will help it when the morning dawns.
The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter;
He utters His voice, the earth melts.

The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Come, behold the works of the LORD;
see what desolations He has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow, and shatters the spear;
He burns the shields with fire.

“Be still, and know that I am God!
I am exalted among the nations,
I am exalted in the earth.”

The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Born Cracked
Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled
The world she offers many things to fill it
Yet I always come back wanting more
Each thing feels right at first
But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted
Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone
You pursue us day and night yet still we run
Unable to turn, unable to be filled
Until by grace You extend the hand
And turn us around in Your Embrace

The cross makes this possible
The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel
His Blood seals the crack
In Him we are filled
In Him we are loved
In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me
Though I have soaked in the blood
Still my vessel leaks
Many are the times I know not filling
Many are the times I know not love
Many are the times I know not acceptance

Why is this the case?
Dear God, extend Your Hand
Dear God, send down Your Grace
Turn me around full in Your Embrace.

Thanks again to each of you for joining me as I share my life with you in this fashion. I hope you were encouraged in your own journeys toward God. He is drawing each of us ever closer to Him and molding us all more and more each day. Sometimes we are conscious of that shaping, other times we are not. May God’s peace dwell richly with you, no matter where of the journey He finds you.

In His Grip,

Michel Jon Willard

The Conversion of Anne Rice

For years now it has been with a bit of "guilty pleasure" that I have enjoyed the writings of Anne Rice. For those of you who don't know her, her most famous writings are the Vampire Chronicles, including Interview with a Vampire. I really like the way she depicted the immortal life and especially the religious undertow's that were contained in almost all her writings. I must admit I haven't read every one of her books. Mostly I was intrigued by the character of Lestat, one of her vampires. He was always seeking for a deeper meaning in his life. It drove him to encounter the vampire "gods" and even Satan himself, became interested, though I never got a chance to read the novel where Lestat encounters him.

Recently I read an article in Christianity Today that said she had just published a new book entitled Christ The Lord. At first the cynic in me went, "Oh no, now she's done it. Depicting Christ as a vampire. It was something she hinted at in earlier novels, but I don't think she'd actually do it." However, reading further into the article I found that she, like Mel Gibson, had recently come back to the Catholic church and the book was written as an account based mainly on the Gospels. This idea got my attention and I ended up buying the book with some of my Christmas money.

It is a really good read and I highly recommend it. Not only does she stay true to the character of Jesus we find in the Gospels, but she also shows a remarkable understanding of Jewish customs of the day. The really interesting part is that this is a book written about Jesus' childhood. The part not recorded in the Gospels and it is told from His perspective.

Part of me has been wondering for a while now what it was like for Jesus to "grow up." I mean we know from Luke that He "grew in wisdom, stature and favor with God and man" (Lk 2:52), but what was that actually like for Him. Weird to think of the Son of God growing in favor with God, huh? We also know He never sinned (Heb. 4:15). So He was always "perfect." What would it mean then for Him to grow? Can one be "perfect" and yet still "grow"? Sort of messes with the mind, no? Anne Rice illustrates this happening in a interesting way. I don't want to take away from those of you who might read the book, so I won't really go in depth into it. Let's jut say her version of the young Jesus, is not yet fully aware of Himself. That He has the divine seed in Him is clear from the get go, but it is something He grows into. I'm not sure all the conservative theologians would be in agreement with her, but it does make for fascinating reading.

Also really good is Anne's own account of her journey back to the Catholic faith which she also includes in this book. The novel that is on the shelves today is not the one she intended to write in the first place. It was through researching that she found the real Jesus and came back to a saving faith in Him. Interesting how that can happen. I too have had my ideas of God and Jesus blown away by the "real article." He is unlike anything I could have imagined. Yet I find myself very thankful for that. After all, if I could imagine Him, then I could control Him and wouldn't really need Him in the first place, now would I. Thank God I was wrong about Him!

Faith Fixes You

• Mike’s Musings (12/02/05) •

Dear family & friends,

• Life Update: Continuing On . . .

Sometime life seems to jump from one big life event to the next, other times it just goes on. You’re not quite sure where God’s leading you or exactly how He’s going to get you there, yet still somehow time moves on. Since I last wrote, my job has changed. I’m now working for Caribou Coffee as a Team Member instead of at Spee Dee Delivery as a Package Handler. The pay is not as much, but the better work environment and part-time benefits more than makes up for that difference. Being a Package Handler was getting to withdrawn from people and I needed something that was more interactive and involved me working with people and developing skills more in common with my trade. Plus, I’ve always been a big fan of coffee!

Other than that, the plan is still to study Chemical Dependency at Saint Cloud State University for the next year or so and get my Graduate Certificate by the Fall of 2007 at the latest. By that time I should also hopefully be ordained and ready to find a chaplaincy job through which I can get Board Certification.

• Sharing my Journey: Faith Fixes You

Lately I have found myself enjoying a TV series called Firefly. It was on the air less than a season and only had 14 episodes in all, yet somehow a year or so later, came out with a feature film called Serenity. That was where I first stumbled across it. The movie had no big special effects moments or anything else to “attract” the general public, yet when I saw the trailer, I was hooked. Then I saw the movie in the theaters and again, later on when it came out on DVD. A friend, who was also a fan, mentioned there was a TV series and loaned me the DVD’s which he also happened to have. I could go on, but I think you get the idea that I liked this series and it’s movie.

The series and movie take place on Serenity, a Firefly class space ship with a ragamuffin crew whose make up makes no logical sense except maybe to their captain, Malcolm Reynolds. One of my favorite moments in the series is an interaction between River, a fugitive genius/psychic, and Book, a chaplain. River has found Book’s Bible and is attempting to make sense of its seemingly many “contradictions. ” Book calmly asks her what she’s doing and she says, “I’m fixing your Bible. It’s broken.” She then goes on to say how Noah’s ark and various other events recorded there just do not add up scientifically and that she’s trying to change that. Book looks at her and laughs. “River,” says Book, “you don’t fix faith. Faith fixes you.”

How true I have found that in my own journey with God through life. The times I tried to figure Him and life out are usually the times when it all gets so foggy and confused. Conversely, the times I just learn to sit back and live with the flow of how God’s moving in my life, the more sense things seem to make. At least until I muddy them up again by trying to explain it all to myself and others. Like many Christians, there are times when I grab for the latest way to “live for God.” Whether it be the Purpose Driven Life or the Jabez Prayer, I look for some principle to help me make sense of it all. At times I even find myself getting a bit legalistic and saying my way of understanding things is the only way. Yet eventually I always come back to the same realization: the life we live with God, through faith in His Son Jesus Christ, isn’t about trying to figure out God or life. It’s about realizing that we can’t and that’s why we need Him. Life wasn’t meant to make sense apart from God. And even with Him, there are still things we need to take on faith. That’s just the way it is.

For poems this month, I thought I’d go with one that represents the simplicity of faith and another that represents the complexity of life. Both are my own and together they illustrate the paradox that is sometimes our lot as Christ-followers.

You Desire?

The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”

They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”

-Acts 16:29-31

Just believe and you will be saved.
Yet even the demons believe in Christ and they certainly will not be saved

So what is it that You require?
What is it that you desire?
A heart undivided full of fire?
Will that be enough to inspire?

No, my spirit says, You want more
More than a life filled with good works
More than all the money I can earn
More than my first born son
So much more than I can ever give
And yet the answer is simple

You do not want my heart
You do not want my works
You do not want my family

All you really want is me
All of me

Born Cracked

Born into the world a cracked vessel needing to be filled
The world she offers many things to fill it
Yet I always come back wanting more
Each thing feels right at first
But in time they all turn up lacking

Back in the garden we knew what it was to be filled
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be loved
Back in the garden we knew what it was to be accepted
Dear God why did we ever turn away from You the True Source

Cursed to walk this world abandoned, though we are never alone
You pursue us day and night yet still we run
Unable to turn, unable to be filled
Until by grace You extend the hand
And turn us around in Your Embrace


The cross makes this possible
The blood of Jesus fills our cracked vessel
His Blood seals the crack

In Him we are filled
In Him we are loved
In Him we are accepted

Though I know of His Love for me
Though I have soaked in the blood
Still my vessel leaks

Many are the times I know not filling
Many are the times I know not love
Many are the times I know not acceptance


Why is this the case?
Dear God, extend Your Hand
Dear God, send down Your Grace
Turn me around full in Your Embrace.

A belated Merry Christmas to all and my best wishes to each of you for a great New Year! Thanks for joining me again as I share my life and ministry with you all in this fashion. I hope this newsletter finds you each doing well and enjoying the many blessings of God all around you. He is always there; sometimes you just have to look a little harder.