Meaningful Words (9/4/08)

My recent experience with God was all about His love and acceptance of me, so this afternoon, I find myself drawn to poems that speak that same message:

Be Still
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

Be still, My child and know that you are loved.
Endless, limitless, eternal love is yours.
My Son paid the price and you are free to come.

Come and know Me
Come and know that you are loved.
Come with no expectations, for they will all be blown away.
Come with no preparations, the price has already been paid
Come with no restrictions for they are only self-imposed
Come desiring nothing, knowing you will receive all that is of true worth.

I am the One Who has loved you since before time began
As you were formed within your mother’s womb
I knew you and called you My chosen one
You are My child and I love you.



Forgiven
The Father:
I have already forgiven your sin.
Why do you bring it before Me again?

I have already washed you clean.
Why do you insist on playing in the dirt?

Accept My forgiveness.
Receive My cleansing.

Why do you cling to that which I have already released you from?
Why do you remain in the dungeon?
The chains have already been broken and the key thrown away.

The gates of iron have been flung wide open
And yet still you cower in this cage of your own making

The light has been shown forth
Yet you prefer the darkness

What more can I do for you, My child?

How else can I bid you come?
The table has already been set and the dinner bell is ringing
Is it possible you have not heard Me calling?

Answer Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
I am your Father and have always been faithful.
Is this not the truth?
Listen to your heart, My child.
You know Who I am.
You have always known.

His Child:
Come unto me, O Desire of my heart!
Beckon me unto Your Feast, O Satisfier of my deepest hunger!
Dance with Me, O Romancer of my soul!
Set me beside the still waters, O Author of my peace!
Run with me, O my Ever True Companion
Guide my steps, O Victorious Winner of the race set before me!

You Who began this good work in me,
You are my Faithful Father
And You will finish what You have started!
Yes, You will finish what you have started!

Into the Woods
I saw you when you ran into the woods,
For I was there with you,
I was the One you were running away from,
Yet I was the One you were running to,
Which was I to you?
Which were you to Me?

How I long for you to cling to Me as you used to,
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To share your thoughts and know your mind,
Yet you have drifted far away and are ever still running,
Farther and farther you roam,
It seems almost as if you are at home,
There in the wilderness,
Off in the distance.

Come home to Me, My love,
The journey is really not that long,
If you would but turn around,
Lift up your eyes and see,
There you would find me,
My gentle hands will wipe away your every tear,
The blood from My wounds will cleanse your every sin.

Cleansing and reaching ever deeper within,
Bring your broken hearts and shattered dreams
Lay them at My nail-pierced feet
For when you cried, I cried with you,
When you ran, I was there at your side,
When you hid there in the dark,
I was there as well.

I am with you always,
Not as a presence to be feared
But as One who knows you through and through,
One who has seen you at your worst and at your best
I know you, I love you, and I am for you.

As I sit back in my chair, I can still feel the embrace of God's loving arms around me, inviting me to rest in Him. In closing this month, I can feel God inviting each of you also to rest in His love. This is a hectic, busy world we live in today and we need all the love and rest we can get.

Sharing My Life (9/4/08) : Resting in God's Love and Acceptance

The past few weeks have really been busy ones in both my personal; and professional life. There was the move, all the packing and unpacking that went into that, working on housing with some of my clients, working through scheduling changes and conflicts with them, gaining new clients, the list goes on. In the midst of all that, I had a growing sense of how busy my life was becoming; not just with all the clients I have, but with all the other things I'm involved with as well: recovery work, character work with my Focus of the Warrior Group, church involvement with multiple congregations, that list could probably go on as well. I could feel all these things seeking to speak into my life, yet not all were speaking life into me. This was brought into clearer light by John's Eldrige's latest book, Walking with God. I just started listening to it on CD a few days ago and have really felt God using it powerfully in my heart life.

Yesterday I felt God really speaking to me about how I let others have a say in my life and at the same time how I resent them when they try to control it, or rather when I sense that they are trying to control it.That night as I was heading home after a long day at work and in life, I felt God inviting me to take time tonight and let Him minister to me in His Word. I had been so busy the past couple days, I had totally skipped over my usually morning devotional time. Anyway, I got home, sat down and read Psalms 103 & 139. As I had been praying during the ride back, those were the passages that kept coming to mind.

Reading through them I was drawn to Psalm 103: 8 " The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." and Palm 139: 1-5,

"O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head."

Through those two passages, I felt God showing me how deeply known and loved I am, and inviting me to trust in that love and knowledge. I thanked the Lord for that revelation and asked Him to continually remind me of that truth. I also ask each you to do so as well, as you feel led. Remind me again and again how deeply and intimately I and known and loved. For it is something I know I will forget amidst the hustle and bustle of my life and something our enemy, Satan, does not want me to remember. Thank you for letting me share that with you.

Life Update (9/4/08) : Busy Bee

Wow, I can't believe two months has already gone by since I last wrote you all. So much has been happening. My client load continues to increase in number and complexity, I lose a client or two, but others quickly move in to take their place. Sometimes I feel greatly reminded of that old saying, "I know God will only give me as much as I can handle (John 16:12, 1 Corinthians 10:14), but I do wish He didn't trust me as much as He does." I also know that many times when we feel our own load growing heavy, it is an invitation from God to share that load with others. As often as I can, I do work with others to help my clients. Sometimes I even find myself feeling envious of my clients in how much help they have available, and this, at times, opens my eyes to see the help that is there for myself.

In addition to working with my clients, I have also had to move once more. I was having some trouble with a few of my housemates and found that the best way to resolve the situation was to move out. Fortunately, a friend of mine was willing to let me move into the lower half of his town home up in Maple Grove, MN. My phone number and email moved with me, so they are still the same. My new address is 13685 74th Avenue North, Maple Grove, MN 55311. My Landlord there has a male Wippet dog named Pipper, who has graciously invited me into his house.

Also, for those of you who don't know, this month I turn 33. My birthday is Friday, September 12th and I will be hosting a party at my new digs from 7-10 pm that night. All who can are cordially invited to come. Presents and cards are always welcome, but never required. Your presence whether in thought or in body is always more important to me than any present you might give.

Meaningful Words (6/2/08)

As work to live honestly and peaceably with those around me, I find myself thinking of a few poems:

Into the Woods
I saw you when you ran into the woods,
For I was there with you,
I was the One you were running away from,
Yet I was the One you were running to,
Which was I to you?
Which were you to Me?

How I long for you to cling to Me as you used to,
To feel your heart beat with mine,
To share your thoughts and know your mind,
Yet you have drifted far away and are ever still running,
Farther and farther you roam,
It seems almost as if you are at home,
There in the wilderness,
Off in the distance.

Come home to Me, My love,
The journey is really not that long,
If you would but turn around,
Lift up your eyes and see,
There you would find me,
My gentle hands will wipe away your every tear,
The blood from My wounds will cleanse your every sin.

Cleansing and reaching ever deeper within,
Bring your broken hearts and shattered dreams
Lay them at My nail-pierced feet
For when you cried, I cried with you,
When you ran, I was there at your side,
When you hid there in the dark,
I was there as well.

I am with you always,
Not as a presence to be feared
But as One who knows you through and through,
One who has seen you at your worst and at your best
I know you, I love you, and I am for you.

You Desire?
The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”
They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved —you and your household.”
-Acts 16:29-31

Just believe and you will be saved.
Yet even the demons believe in Christ and they certainly will not be saved
So what is it that You require?
What is it that you desire?
A heart undivided full of fire?
Will that be enough to inspire?

No, my spirit says, You want more
More than a life filled with good works
More than all the money I can earn
More than my first born son
So much more than I can ever give
And yet the answer is simple

You do not want my heart
You do not want my works
You do not want my family
All you really want is me
All of me

Impostor
You go to church every Sunday
Don the suit, don the mask, don the act
You sing the songs and listen to the sermon
But deep down you know it’s all a lie

Life continues on, you play the game every day
Load the bullet in the gun, and pray the chamber’s empty
Every time it gets easier,
Every time you loose a bit of yourself
Hiding the truth from all those you love
But there’s One who always knows

You think you’re doing them a favor
But you’re hurting them beyond repair
Acting like a Christian when you don’t even care

You’ve got the M. Div.
You’ve got the preacher’s touch
You even have your own church
Everyone thinks you’re the best
But you’ll never pass the final test.

Why do you continue on this blessing filled path to hell?
Still you play the sheep, when you know you’re a wolf
Do you think you can hide forever?

I pray that one day you’ll see the truth
That all those things you fake can be yours in real life
‘Cause there’s a God out there who knows you for all you are
And He longs for you to come home to Him at last

Thank you again, one and all, for taking the time to read through these meandering thoughts I call my musings. It is my prayer that God has spoken to you through them, drawn you closer to Him and through them has formed you more and more into the likeness of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. That is my continuing prayer for you and I hope you will pray the same for me as well. Thank you again. I hope you are all well.

Sharing My Life (6/2/08): Taking Responsibility Honestly

One of the main things I am learning on this road of recovery is that it is really important to take responsibility for my actions, both good and bad, and to be as honest as I can about it. I think this is part of what Paul means when He exhorts the believers in Rome to “live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)” For instance, a few months ago, I was removing a clean coffee cup from the dishwasher and it slipped from my hands and broke on the floor. I now had a couple options: 1) to clean up the mess and hope nobody noticed or 2) to clean up the mess, replace the cup and leave a note indicating such to the rest of the guys in the house. I chose the later and got the new cup later on that day. When I returned, my landlord commented saying that I really didn’t need to have bought a new cup. I thanked him for his comments and indicated I had already bought one. Looking back on the situation, though, I can see it really wasn’t about needing to buy a new cup or not. It was about taking responsibility for my actions and owning up to my mistakes.

This also applies to my work situation. I have often found my supervisors handle my mistakes a lot better when I come to them first and explain what happened honestly, then when they find out after the fact and I have to own up to it then. Of course some supervisors are more willing to work with my imperfections than others, but over all, I have found being honest and taking responsibility works out better than trying to appear perfect or better than I really am.

Life Update (6/2/08): Growing Responsibilities

My client load as an Independent Living Skills (ILS) Worker continues to increase. I now have eight clients and am looking at possibly adding on two more. However, with the rise of my ILS hours comes the decrease of my Personal Care Attendant (PCA) hours and I’m not sure whether or not a full-time ILS position is in the works for me. I will continue to talk with my supervisors and hopefully will be able to work towards it becoming reality in the near future.

Meaningful Words (5/4/08)

As I have found myself struggling to balance my life in this world and God’s, I have been reminded of a few of my poems:

Lies & Truth
I'm feeling kinda venerable tonight
My mixed up emotions are bubbling through
What I know as truth seems so boring
And deception seems so exciting
Though I know the difference between them

Chorus:
Lord, will You be my strength?
When I don’t want to be strong?
Will You carry me along
When it all seems so far gone
Lord, will you help me fight
When it feels like the battle’s already been lost

To lie is sin and sin is death
In truth is life or so I’ve been told
Yet the lie looks so attractive
And the truth just seems so covered with dust
For a lie can look like the truth
Just as a wolf can don sheep’s clothing
But in truth it’s still a lie
Despite it’s appearance otherwise.
Yes, this must be a wolf in sheep’s clothing
And my resistance is low

Chorus

I know my emotions can fool me
But, man, what I feel seems so real
You say tomorrow will be different
Yet today still has so much left to live
The devil he is so clever
And I am so naïve

Chorus

And it all comes down to choice
Will I choose to live or die
Will I choose to believe the lie
Or embrace the truth that is Christ
To stand strong in His might
And know He is on my side
This, at least, I know is true
God is real and He cares for me.


The Inner War
I woke up this morning and there you were in my face
The mirror your eyes, my soul your home
My worst enemy, my best friend
Everything I used to be, everything I might be again

Come back into the dark you whisper
But I’m yearning and fighting for the light
It’s so much easier and more comfortable there

Yet I know here is where I must remain

Hide yourself, it’s so much safer
No, I must be true to the world
I cannot don the mask of security
Cannot fake the act of sincerity
When everything I do and say is just a lie

Truth is more powerful than lie
And more powerful still when backed up by life
I know the life I should live
And I pray one day
It will be the life I do live


There is a White
There is a white for this black of ours.
It will show itself in its hour,
But we who hold it in our hearts,
No ray of dark can penetrate our parts.

But what of this light?
What use is it, if it cannot shine bright!
Too often we turn away its source.
We take out our swords,
Made by the hand of Satan,
And slash it into oblivion.

But this light cannot die.
It cannot be swept away.
There are those who have claimed it
And the light lives on in them.

The light has a place in all of our hearts.
Every single one must play its part.
Through them this world will change.
Through them it will exchange
Its darkness for the EVERLASTING LIGHT!

A-men

Well, that is it for this month. Thank you, one and all, for taking the time to read through these wondering thoughts I call my musings. It is my prayer that God has spoken to you through them, drawn you closer to Him and through them has formed you more and more into the likeness of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. That is my continuing prayer for you and I hope you will pray the same for me as well. Thank you again. I hope you are all well.

Sharing My Life (5/4/08): Kingdom of God versus Kingdom of Humanity

As my work life increases, I find myself having to re-learn how to find balance in my life. Reflecting on that has lead to a lot of thinking along the lines of how the values of this world differ from that of our home world, heaven. For a long time I was concerned with finding the perfect wife, career, raising a family and settling down. I thought that was God’s will for my life. Yet increasingly these days I am beginning to realize that God is more interested in forming my character than in helping me find the perfect career. It is true that God wants me to find a good wife and have a satisfying job, but not for the same reasons as I and the world might think. I am finding that God is not so much concerned about my finding the job of my dreams as God is that whatever I am doing I am being formed into the likeness of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. The same is true with every other area of my life. It is not about finding the perfect wife, it is about finding one with whom I can grow closer to God and help her to grow closer as well. If that means settling for being an ILS worker for the rest of my life, so be it. The world might look at that and call me foolish, but they have been wrong before (1Corinthians 1:20).

Life Update (5/4/08): Responsibilities on the rise

These days I find my client load as an Independent Living Skills (ILS) Worker with Accessible Space, Inc. increasing. By the end of this week I will have seven clients, averaging at about three hours each per week. I have had to drop one of my Personal Care Attendant shifts, but all in all it’s turning more and more into full-time employment, though I don’t yet have full-time benefits. Hopefully that will come with time. In the interim, I do enjoy the clients I’m working with in both positions and am having a good time working with them. Just in case you are curious, as an ILS Worker, I help my clients with things like finding a job, filling out applications, balancing their checkbooks and anything else and other such things that help them live independently. I do find myself liking it better than my work as a PCA and it does pay more as well, though the hours aren’t always concrete and reliable.

Meaningful Words (3/29/08)

I also find myself reminded of a couple of my poems:

Forgiven
The Father:
I have already forgiven your sin.
Why do you bring it before Me again?
I have already washed you clean.
Why do you insist on playing in the dirt?
Accept My forgiveness.
Receive My cleansing.
Why do you cling to that which I have already released you from?
Why do you remain in the dungeon?
The chains have already been broken and the key thrown away.
The gates of iron have been flung wide open
And yet still you cower in this cage of your own making
The light has been shown forth
Yet you prefer the darkness
What more can I do for you, My child?
How else can I bid you come?
The table has already been set and the dinner bell is ringing
Is it possible you have not heard Me calling?
Answer Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
I am your Father and have always been faithful.
Is this not the truth?
Listen to your heart, My child.
You know Who I am.
You have always known.

His Child:
Come unto me, O Desire of my heart!
Beckon me unto Your Feast, O Satisfier of my deepest hunger!
Dance with Me, O Romancer of my soul!
Set me beside the still waters, O Author of my peace!
Run with me, O my Ever True Companion
Guide my steps, O Victorious Winner of the race set before me!
You Who began this good work in me,
You are my Faithful Father
And You will finish what You have started!
Yes, You will finish what you have started!

Let Go
The Father:
I invite you, My child, to let go.
Let go of your need to worry,
for it really does you no good.
Let go of your need to control,
for you really have none.
Let go of your need for a plan,
for I am all you really ever need!
I invite you, My child, to let Me in.
Let Me into your concerns,
for I can bear your load.
Let Me into your life,
for I do know what I am doing.
Let Me into your heart,
for I am the One you were created for.
I invite you, My child,
to know the truth.
Know that I care for you and I will see to your needs.
Know that I am taking care of them even now.
Know that I am Your Faithful Father.

His Child:
Lord, help me to trust when I don’t want to trust
Lord, help me to love when I don’t want to love
Lord, help to give, when I don’t want to give
To give my life to You.
For You, O Lord, are the Lover of my soul
And You, O Lord, are faithful
Yes, You O Lord, will watch over me
And care for me better than I ever could.

Thank you each and all so much for all your continued prayers, patience, support and encouragement as I continue work through this transitional period in my life. My prayer for each of you is the same one I mentioned earlier: "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:3-6).

Sharing My Life (3/29/08): Take things as they come

Some of you know I have begun to take a recovery approach to working through my personal issues, as well as to my life as a whole. One of the things God is continually teaching me as I take this approach is to take things as they come. Living life moment by moment and day by day is helping me to worry less and trust more. In the past, I have expended much energy on trying to figure out where God is leading me and to get there as soon as possible. Yet, now I am finding, things come and go much smoother if let go of my need to control and take hold of God’s guidance for this moment and day. I often find my increasing one on one work as an ILS worker to be quite challenging, yet at the same time I feel a peace about the challenge, knowing that it is God Who brought this challenge into my life, that He has given me all the experience and knowledge I need to complete the tasks before me and that He will be with me all the way through them.

It all kind of reminds me of Jesus when He encourages His followers "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34) and the wise words of Paul the apostle, when he affirmed the members of the church in Philippi "that He Who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I can feel God’s words in these passages coming true in my life as I work to follow Him more closely each day. Funny, that reminds me of a song from one of my favorite musicals Godspell: Day by day, day by day, O dear Lord, three things I pray, to see Thee more clearly, love Thee more dearly, follow Thee more dearly day by day . . ."

Lfe Update (3/29/08) Still taking things slow

I apologize for the long delay in writing you all. Though I continue to work at keeping things simple and easy, life, I have found, works equally hard to keep it all complicated. Currently, I am still living at 619 19th Ave NE, Minneapolis, MN 55418 and working for Accessible Space Incorporated as both a Resident Assistant (RA) and an Independent Living Skills (ILS) worker. Although recently, my ILS work is increasing and my RA work is decreasing. That means my work is becoming much more challenging, as ILS work requires working individually with each client and their case works to access what tasks and goals they would like me to help them out with, working with them through those tasks and goals and continually re-assessing their needs and desires all along the way. Lately, I’ve really been thinking about going into counseling, so I do see this one-on-one work as good preparation.

I also just recently came back from going on a Spring Break trip down to New Orleans, LA with Christian Student Fellowship to help them out with some Katrina relief work there. It was a great time of bonding and serving. I continue to be amazed and encouraged by the enthusiasm, character and desire to grow and serve of these young people. Being with them often makes me want to re-visit my own college days and wishfully wonder what would have happened if I had done certain things differently, yet I know, for better and worse, I am who I am today due to the choices I made back then and throughout my life. I also took plenty of pictures which I will be sharing on Facebook once I work through some technical difficulties I’m having with my network filter.

Meaningful Words (12/13/07)

As I reflect back on this month a couple poems and a favorite Christmas carol come to mind:

Winter
Snow has fallen and ice has formed.
Making everything more beautiful than before.
Yet in this beauty there is a coldness.
As with many beauties there is a bitterness.
For many a beauty will cross His path.
But few shall He choose.

In such a time as this
His Chosen One was born.
And in such a time as this
His Chosen One was torn.

Torn for my cold.
And torn for yours.
He was torn to make us whole.

Immanuel
Son of God, Immanuel
Tonight You came with us to dwell

You came to show us how to live
You came to us eternal life to give

Child of the King, You came from above
To teach us the true meaning of love

Took on our flesh, took on our sin
Our earthly burden, You took within

By Your hands, our wounds were healed
With Your blood our hearts are sealed

Teach us this day
To walk in Your way

Almighty Father, watch over us
Protect us from our darkness

Holy Spirit, Who dwells within
Keep us this day from all sin

Jesus, Redeemer, Lover, and Friend
To us Your embrace now extend

As we gather with our family
As we gather with our friends

Your love guides our hearts, as we amble blindly
While we hold hands, Your grace descends

And for those of us, who spend this season alone
As our spirits within us groan

Remind us, I pray, that You are always there.
Remind us, O Lord, that You always care.

The road we walk is treacherous
But You O Lord are ever with us

Give us this day our daily bread
Watch over us as we go to bed.

A-men.

Little Drummer Boy
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

- Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati and Harry Simeone

Thank you each and all so much for all your continued prayers, support and encouragement as I work through this transitional period in my life. My prayer for each of you is the same prayer I ask you to pray for me as I continue to work through this time of discernment: “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:14-21)

Sharing My Life: Simplicity (12/13/07)

As I work on reconstructing my life these days, one of my disciplines has become simplicity. I want to keep the amount of things going on in my life to a minimum, so I can have more time to spend being with God and the ones I care about. That way the things I do can flow out of my relationships, instead of the two vying for my time as they often have.

It’s also interesting that this desire to be simple should happen around this holiday season, when everything normally has a habit of getting busy, busy. 2000 years ago, Jesus came into this world very simply. He did not come in the power and glory of a conquering king like many of His people might have expected Him to. Instead, He came as a small, fragile, helpless baby and was laid in a manger, normally the feeding trough for animals. In this way, He came into the world as a humble savior sent to share His love with the world through His life (John 13:1-5), to save it through His death (John 3:16-18) and to transform it through His resurrection (John 11:25).

Life Update (12/13/07): Step by Step

I have now moved into and settled in a bit into my new place. My new address there is 619 19th Avenue NE, Minneapolis MN 55418. They don’t have a land-line in the house, so you can call me on my mobile phone which continues to be 651-303-9675. Unfortunately I did not get the job I interviewed for with Touchstone, but I was able to get my old job with Accessible Space, Inc. (ASI) back. I am currently working with them as a Resident Assistant (RA) helping a few of the same clients I did when I was working with them previously. They are also setting me up with a couple clients that I can work with as an Independent Living Skills assistant (ILS). That means I help those clients work through things like getting groceries, setting up budgets, balancing their checkbooks and things like that. It’s not my “dream job” but it will help me pay the bills as I work through this discernment period with God.

Fresh Poetry (12/01/2007)

Who Am I

Who am I , Lord,

that You call me child

Who am I, Lord,

that You call me servant

Who am I, Lord,

That You have redeemed me and called me Your Own

Who are You, Lord

that I should call You Father

Who are You, Lord

that I should call You Master

Who are You Lord that You have redeemed me and called me Your Own.

I am Yours

You are Mine

That is all I need to know.

3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whosoever believeth in Him, shall not die, but have EVERLASTING LIFE!!!

Oh God, my God

You gave Your one and only Son that I could live

Yet what have I to give

You know my heart

You know my life

You know me

better than the world

better even than I know myself

You see my good days

and my bad ones

You see all that I have accomplished

and

all I have destroyed

All that I could have been

All that I am

All that I ever could be

and will be one day, if only . . .

You see it all

and

You call it worthy

Yet not only me

Not just for my sake alone

You died for

each

and

all

for everybody and everyone

Not one was left in the dark

Not one was left without hope

For in Your death we all find life

In Your life we each find hope overflowing.

Meaningful Words (11/15/07)

As I reflect back on this past month and the transitional state of my current life, I find myself thinking of a couple of my old favorite poems:

Forgiven
The Father:
I have already forgiven your sin.
Why do you bring it before Me again?

I have already washed you clean.
Why do you insist on playing in the dirt?

Accept My forgiveness.
Receive My cleansing.

Why do you cling to that which I have already released you from?
Why do you remain in the dungeon?
The chains have already been broken and the key thrown away.

The gates of iron have been flung wide open
And yet still you cower in this cage of your own making

The light has been shown forth
Yet you prefer the darkness

What more can I do for you, My child?

How else can I bid you come?
The table has already been set and the dinner bell is ringing
Is it possible you have not heard Me calling?

Answer Me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
I am your Father and have always been faithful.
Is this not the truth?
Listen to your heart, My child.
You know Who I am.
You have always known.

His Child:
Come unto me, O Desire of my heart!
Beckon me unto Your Feast, O Satisfier of my deepest hunger!
Dance with Me, O Romancer of my soul!
Set me beside the still waters, O Author of my peace!
Run with me, O my Ever True Companion
Guide my steps, O Victorious Winner of the race set before me!

You Who began this good work in me,
You are my Faithful Father
And You will finish what You have started!
Yes, You will finish what you have started!

Let Go
The Father:
I invite you, My child, to let go.
Let go of your need to worry,
for it really does you no good.
Let go of your need to control,
for you really have none.
Let go of your need for a plan,
for I am all you really ever need!

I invite you, My child, to let Me in.
Let Me into your concerns,
for I can bear your load.
Let Me into your life,
for I do know what I am doing.
Let Me into your heart,
for I am the One you were created for.

I invite you, My child,
to know the truth.
Know that I care for you and I will see to your needs.
Know that I am taking care of them even now.
Know that I am Your Faithful Father.

His Child:
Lord, help me to trust when I don’t want to trust
Lord, help me to love when I don’t want to love
Lord, help to give, when I don’t want to give
To give my life to You.

For You, O Lord, are the Lover of my soul
And You, O Lord, are faithful
Yes, You O Lord, will watch over me
And care for me better than I ever could.

Thank you again to each of you for all your continued encouragement, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them all greatly. Truly God blesses me with your friendship and I pray as Paul did in his letter to the Philippians: “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:3-11).

Sharing My Life (11/15/07): Discerning God's Will

As one might imagine, lately I have been reflecting and praying a lot about what it means to discern God’s will for my life. Many years ago when I began this walk of faith, I thought God’s plan for my life would be a simple one: go to college, go to seminary, find a church and serve God as their pastor and to also find a wife and raise a family. As I grew and walked along life’s path with God, I found it had a lot more twists and turns than I had anticipated.

I remember one time towards the end of my time at Bethel Seminary being so exasperated with Him that I just blurted out, “God, would you please just tell me what this wonderful plan you have for my life is?”

In reply, I think I heard God say, “Uh, Michel, what exactly would you do if I did show you My plan for your life?”

“Why, I would follow it, of course!” I said back.

“Exactly,” came back His reply, “You would follow the plan and stop following Me.”

As I remember this, I am also reminded of Abraham, Jacob, David, Paul and many other biblical characters. None of their lives followed neat and orderly plans either. As King Solomon wrote in Proverbs, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). Then again, which way requires more faith, to follow a laid out orderly plan or to take each day as it comes, trusting that God will lead and guide you according to His wisdom and grace? To walk with God, inherently requires faith, and I, for one, am learning to take it as it comes.

Life Update (11/15/07): Unexpected Detour

As many of you know, some personal issues have arisen in my life that I really need to work through before continuing on with the Ordination process. Because of these issues, I have also needed to leave my job at St. John’s Hospital and consequently move out of the apartment they were providing me as the main compensation for that job. I am working through these issues with the help of my pastoral guidance team and would appreciate your prayers for them and me. In the meantime, I have secured a new place to live and will be moving there in the coming weeks. I also had an interview for a mental health job this week and would greatly appreciate your prayers regarding that as well. Thank you again for all your prayers and your continued support throughout this whole process.

Ordination Service On Hold!

Dear friends and family,

I want to thank each of you all the positive affirmations and encouragements I have received over the past few months as I have worked towards ordination. I have been praying, reflecting, and dialogging with my pastoral guidance team in preparation for this important day. This past week, it has become clear to us all that, due to some personal issues, I am not yet ready to be ordained. So, as of now, the ordination service, which had been scheduled for Sunday, November 4th, 2007 at 4 pm, has been put on hold.

I am sincerely sorry for any inconvenience this causes you and I ask for your patience and forbearance. I am still working towards going into vocational ministry, it’s just at this point, I am not ready to take this step.

I would appreciate your prayers as I seek God’s direction, strength and peace in my continued pursuit of his will and calling for my life.

Trusting in Him with You,

Michel J. Willard